Archived,  Being Berrak,  Seattle

When The Chips Are Down, It’s Time to Bet on the Only Sure Thing: Myself

I will not lie. Things have been fucking unbearable the last 3.5 months. Nearly impossible to handle. It felt like the Universe was lying to me all along – I couldn’t make it on my own. There’s no fucking way. So when my brother pretty much handed me NYC on a silver platter and a way out, the answer should’ve been simple. I should just call it a wash, go back to the east coast, and try again later.

I wish I could say that my decade-long dream of living in NYC trumped everything else. After all, I’ve only been in Seattle for a few months. East Coast makes more ‘sense’ for me. I should just go, right?

Despite the shitty few months, everything still says that I need to be here. In Seattle. On the west coast. It’s not about taking the easy way out. Moving to Seattle was never about running or escaping. It was about that leap of faith (More to come on that later). I owe it to myself to give it a fair shot here when the chips aren’t down.

And it’s not about a great first date, or hanging out by the pool with a good friend, or unplanned drinks with some of my favorite guys at our neighborhood spot (All fantastic moments from this weekend). It’s about what all these experiences represent: The new chapter in my life. Because no matter how hard it’s been to adjust to life here (even without the bullshit life has thrown my way), I still seem to shine once in a while because I stay true to myself. I know I’m a lot to take – I can be overbearing, too loud, and just all over the place at times. I laugh too much. I enjoy talking to people so I’ll strike up conversations with strangers and smile at them when passing them in the street. I also learned something about myself this past year. I’d been suspecting it for a while but I’ve had a hard time identifying it: I’m a social introvert – to the core. So I’ve been doing a lot of research, reading, and a lot of pieces began coming together. I’m always on a journey to figure myself out, and this one missing puzzle piece brought a lot of things together. I understand my impulses and certain behaviors a lot better now, which makes it easier to accept myself.

I’m not going to lie. It got really ugly there for a moment. I definitely hit rock bottom as far as my self-respect and self-esteem go, but I found out (thankfully) that the core foundation of my personality, the pride and integrity deeply rooted underneath all the insecurity are unwavering, even when I have nowhere to go but up. I had certain decisions to make and options presented to me that could go either way, and I made the right decisions. There are some things I will never compromise and maybe when the time is right in the future, I’ll open up about those choices.

So I’m betting on myself. For the first time in my life. I’m betting on my gut instinct. I’m betting on my dreams and goals that I’ve been chasing for years. I’m betting on myself despite friends letting me down. The chips are down and I’m betting on the only sure thing, because no matter how bad things may get, I know that I will crawl up from rock bottom even when there’s no helping hand reaching down to give me a lift.