I know, I was weird, but the glue that we used in Turkey was awesome for it. There was something weirdly therapeutic about it. Of course, it wouldn’t be until many years later when I could really draw parallels between that odd act and growing up.
Last week, my shoulders that were a little sunburned began to peel. As I was standing in the shower, scrubbing the dead skin from my skin (but not too hard, because ouch), I lost awareness of time and the water around me. I found myself thinking about my life over the last few months, weeks even, and how much things have changed. See, I haven’t really felt like me for the a while. I’ve been saying that I’ve become a shell of myself and have been feeling lost. As I stood in the shower, letting the water wash away the layer of skin that was starting to peel away, I realized that I’ve been covered with a layer of insecurity, uncertainty, and a desire to please others for the longest time. I was still me, underneath it all, but when I looked in the mirror, I saw a distorted version of myself. When others looked at me, most of them refused to see past that thin layer of uncertainty.
For some, it was easier to accept me as that person because it served a purpose for them.
For others, they didn’t care to see through it.
For me, that thin layer felt so heavy that it felt like I could never shed it.
But I have. Slowly.
Because that’s what growth is, right? We evolve. We shed those layers. Those layers are more deceiving than any walls we’ve built around us because they’re so sneaky. You don’t realize that they’re even there until they start peeling away.
Unfortunately, what’s underneath will be raw for a while.
You’ll feel vulnerable, exposed, and afraid to step out into the spotlight.
For me, what’s exposed is the person who will ask for what she wants and will stop compromising her strengths. I already know that I’m a lot to handle, but I deserve better than being treated like my feelings don’t matter. I will allow myself to get angry. I will allow myself to continue to become a better person and stop putting my life on hold. I will allow myself to say “No.”
I will allow myself to shine and if I ever get that obnoxious layer of insecurity again, I’ll just scrub it away.
I hope the spotlight is ready for me, scars and all.
(Before I forget, all of my blog pages are now combined under Berrak Sarikaya, Writer. Fan it when you get a chance, will ya?)
“For every word she never said,
There’s a backlash of a hundred.
Every time she takes a step,
Poison shoots out filled with hatred.
Her tears form puddles of regret
For every mistake, every misstep.
Even the ones she didn’t make
Cause her tears to turn scarlet.
The whispers of her past haunting
Every day, every memory, every dream
Swiftly becoming endlessly daunting
So that every breath becomes a silent scream” – A Silent Scream