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The Thing About Endings

January 6, 2013 /

I have so much to write and I wish I could say that I’ve started this blog a bunch of times. The truth is that I wrote most of this in my head when I was driving cross-country and then let it go. When I got to Seattle, I wanted to just sit down and write but I was honestly too exhausted.

But I do need to write, because I am crossing into a new chapter in my life. As I’ve always done, I have to remember how I feel, how I process things, and share this with you because for the last (almost) decade, that’s what I’ve done.

My blog is an extension of me.

Endings

During my drive, I stopped in Chicago to see Jenn. As I was leaving the city, I happened to drive by the beach. All of a sudden, I found myself overwhelmed with tears coming down my face. You see, I haven’t talked too much about the end of my relationship because I was trying to focus on work and making it somewhat of an easy transition for A, and just other people’s feelings in general. I never fully mourned the end of my relationship and honestly, people made me feel like I had no right to be upset because I was the one who broke it off.

The thing is, my heart broke too. It was the hardest decision I’ve ever made, and while I don’t regret it, I do regret the way I handled certain things. It was my first break-up. First serious relationship. First significant heartbreak with double the pain because I was also hurting a person I still care about very much.

So as I drove by the beach where he and I shared an awesome weekend last summer, my heart broke again. While we had our problems (and obviously, the relationship ended for a reason), the last three years were full of great memories. So I had to stop and acknowledge the end.

I had to mourn the end of my relationship. I called A and apologized for calling him while I was crying but there was no one else I could talk to in that moment. As awful as it felt for me, something he said stuck with me. He thought that I didn’t care – that the last three years didn’t mean anything to me because I didn’t seem sad when things ended. I was sad but I couldn’t let myself be sad.

So I cried.

I took a deep breath and continued on my journey.

The Drive

Let me tell you something about driving cross-country for the first time by yourself – you don’t really want to talk on the phone. At least, I didn’t. I had planned on calling a few of my friends, but I was honestly enjoying my drive too much. The last few years, I’ve really isolated myself and you would think that I had enough alone time, but this was different. I’ve always enjoyed driving. It’s always been my time.

Strange as it was, though I was leaving my comfort zone behind (oh hey, we’ll talk about that scary thing later), I was at peace in my car with the open road ahead of me. I wasn’t even really excited, per se.

I just was.

I didn’t feel any different, except in control. It didn’t really hit me that I was taking this big journey and driving away from my comfort zone until somewhere in Montana. Or it could’ve been North Dakota, I’m not 100% sure. I had this overwhelming feeling of failure.

What the hell was I doing, moving to a brand new coast, let alone a new city?

What if I am a complete failure at being independent? What if I can’t get an apartment? What if my friends end up hating me after a week?

WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING?

MAYBE I SHOULD TURN AROUND RIG-

*deep breaths*

Wait. 

It’s OK. I can do this. I WILL BE OK.

Because I tried. Because I’m doing it and if I didn’t, I would regret it for the rest of my life.

So I kept driving with McLovin by my side.

(To be continued)

16 Comments

  • skinny_dip

    January 6, 2013 at 11:50 pm

    This reminds me so much of where I was at a year ago when my relationship ended. I didn’t allow myself to feel sad at first because I felt I didn’t deserve to since I had hurt him so much. However, I did end up mourning the end of the relationship eventually – something that really needed to happen. Once I let myself really “feel it” things got better. I’m really proud of you & excited for this new journey. It takes a heck of a lot of guts to do what you did & I think it’s going to pay off. Plus, now you’re wayyyy closer to my neck of the woods (I’m just up the coast in Victoria) so I can’t help but be a bit happy about that 😉

    *hugs*!

    • Berrak

      January 7, 2013 at 12:04 am

      Well, we’ll have to plan a trip for me to come up there! 🙂

      And thank you. I honestly want to start focusing on this new chapter in my life and share that part of the journey. I’m just ready to turn the page and face my fears.

      xoxo

  • Tori

    January 6, 2013 at 11:08 pm

    Moving to a completely new place to “start fresh” is hard because wherever you go, there you are. You never really leave yourself behind, and your past travels with you. In order to be truly happy, I think you just have to look at it as a move forward rather than a totally new beginning.

  • Kate

    January 7, 2013 at 3:59 am

    I admire the bravery and courage it takes to pack up and move across the country. There aren’t that many people in this world who are brave enough like you, so even IF things don’t work out (which of course they WILL because you’re awesome), I hope you find strength in the fact that you’re brave enough to start all over again.

    I definitely know how it feels to pack up and leave for the unknown. I’ve felt ALL THE FEELINGS about fear, ‘what-ifs’, failing, and just being downright terrified of the unknown. I mean, hell, I took a risk to move to Australia nearly two years ago – not knowing a single soul here, not having a job lined up, and only having $500 in my bank account – but here I am, rocking it like no other. I have a lovely job, some wonderful friends and I can’t imagine being anywhere else.

    The thing is, only YOU know what’s right for you. Only you will know the truth behind ending your relationship and knowing what makes you really happy. I’m so incredibly happy that you took this massive leap and you’re grabbing your own life by the balls because there are way too many people out there who settle.

    You’re simply amazing. Don’t ever forget that. <3

    • Berrak

      January 7, 2013 at 7:53 am

      I can’t even tell you how much I admire your move to Australia! I am so glad that it all worked out for you 🙂

      Of all the fears that I have, looking back in my life and feeling like I settled because I was afraid is definitely the biggest.

      <3

  • Lacey Bean

    January 7, 2013 at 7:37 am

    I wish I had the guts to do what you did. Unplugging and moving across the country is the one thing I regret not doing. Maybe one day, but kudos to you for making it happen.

    And I totally hear you with your situation with A. I broke up with a great guy in college because as wonderful as he was, I knew further down the road I wouldn’t be happy with him. And it hurt. He was hurt. I was hurt. But you know what? We’re both married now to great people, and we’re still friends. And we both were invited to the other’s wedding. 🙂

    • Berrak

      January 7, 2013 at 7:55 am

      I really hope I do get to that point with A but I think, right now, he’s just too hurt to even consider it.

      I’m glad that things worked out for you and I love seeing how happy you are! I definitely recommend at least planning a cross-country trip, even if it’s just a week (and you fly back). It’s just such an awesome experience.