Hiding Under Water

The past couple of months, I’ve done a lot of ugly crying. You know what I mean – the kind of crying when you’re afraid to let that first tear roll down your cheek because you know you won’t be able to stop it until you’re out of breath. Your heart and soul continue to shattering into pieces with each sob. You take that big breath every time you want to stop and in a split second, the pain reminds you that you aren’t quite numb yet.

Ugly cries are good once in a while. They’re not so good when you have one at least every couple of days.

That’s been me the past couple of months. I’ve forced myself to get out of bed and attack the day. I’ve told myself that it’ll get better with every morning, and though there have been a few good moments here and there, it’s just been an alternating mess of ugly cries and the paralyzing fear that things won’t get any better.

The last time I was even close to being this worn out was a few years ago when my life changed in a big way but even then, the fear wasn’t this bad. I got out of bed every day and though some days were harder than others, I never felt this alone. I guess I was stronger than I thought back then or this time around, it’s just a thousand times worse.

You know, writing this out, I should feel melodramatic. I want to laugh at these words and remind myself that things aren’t that bad but they are. I thought that I would get thicker skin as I grew up but I guess no matter how much I assumed I’d get jaded, my heart stubbornly cares no matter how many times it breaks. The thing about me is that when I hit rock bottom this badly, when I’m this terrified, I get self-destructive. The younger me did a lot of stupid things out of fear because she just wanted to shut out the real world.

Now? Now I don’t want to be that bad. So I have been trying my best to keep my shit together. Every thought I have, every impulse, every desire to act out, I’m cognizant of every waking moment. I’m aware of my feelings and the consequences of every single action and word could have on everyone around me. I let myself slip once and hurt people in my life so now I’m afraid to even interact with anyone because I could have another slip at any moment.

Every time my fingers meet the keyboard, I freeze because I feel like every word that I could possibly say at this point will be whining. It’ll show weakness. It’ll make people not want to be in my life because I’m a burden. I’m not very good at asking for help in general and I really don’t like talking about my troubles when I know everyone has their own life weighing them down. The thing is, I know my friends care, but there’s this paralyzing fear in my heart that the second I reach for help, the bond will break.

I used to bounce back from this kind of pain a lot quicker when I was younger but I think it’s almost like deleting files on a computer – every little thing from the past that I thought was resolved is actually just hiding under the surface. So every time my heart breaks a little or I feel vulnerable, it’s a lot harder to heal. I feel like I have a lot more to lose in my life now, which also means that there are a lot more people in my life whose feelings I have to consider with my actions.

One of my good friends asked me recently if I’ve forgiven myself for my mistakes (or the things I feel guilty about in my life). I told her that I thought I did.

But I don’t think I have. I can forgive everyone else in my life but I never get around to forgiving myself. I don’t think I know how to even begin to do that. So I just move forward because the moment I stop moving, everything comes crashing down. It takes a day or two but then I keep moving forward.

This time, I’ve been stuck for a while. I do get up every morning but some days, I barely make it to the couch.

No matter how many steps I make it out of the bedroom, though, I never stop feeling alone. That’s the hardest part, I think. Before, I knew in my heart that I did have people who cared but this time, I’m not so sure I’ll ever stop feeling so lonely.

My heart won’t get jaded though. I’ll patch it up and no matter how much I don’t want to at times, I’ll keep caring. I’ll help people when I can, give them the reassurances when they need to get out of their funk, and hope that one day, the light will reach my soul once again.

Because that’s just who I am.

There are huge changes happening in my life in the next six months and all I want is just to keep moving forward to reach my goals – personal and professional.

Without the ugly cries.