October 13

October 13, 2013 was going to be my wedding day. But you all know how that went.

In my search for closure, acceptance, and strength, October 13, 2013 became an animal of its own. I couldn’t figure out why I was so anxious as the day came rushing toward me. My life was good now – kind of. At least, it was improving, and I was in a good place – kind of. Things were moving in a positive direction, but I was still stuck on that date.

Then I realized that I never really mourned the end of my relationship. Yes, even though I was the one to end it – it was still something a part of me really wanted at one point. I began planning my wedding. I imagined my future with this man who was supposed to be my by side. Simply deciding that getting married would be a wrong decision doesn’t mean I wasn’t hurt as well.

It took me a damn long time to realize that. So that’s what October 13, 2013 became. The day I realized I would need to mourn the end of my relationship, potential future, and work on closure.

So October 13, 2013 came and went. I spent it with my friends, watching football and drinking (probably more than I should have).

Then the ugly cries came.

But I survived it.

Today is October 13, 2014. I decided that I would treat it as a mental health day. I took the day off from work and made an appointment to get my first ever massage.

Today is an anti-versary of sorts. An anti-versary of what could’ve been, and a celebration of the one person who is in control of my life now: Me.

Next year?

October 13 will just be another day without a significance. Just an ordinary day full of choices, consequences, and memories.