Big girls do cry

Last night, I cried. It was unexpected. It was inevitable. It was necessary.

Ironically, it was after an incredibly fun night with my awesome friends. We’re in a mini golf league this summer, have I mentioned that? Last night was the first night. We drank beers, laughed and hit balls. Afterwards, we went for food and drinks. It was a good night. It was a great night.

Then I walked home. It was a full moon. It was a beautiful Seattle night, with the smell of the rain still lingering.

I came home, undressed, headed straight to bed – and started crying.

There’s been this loneliness creeping underneath the surface. This pain that I don’t talk about, and try not to think about.

My life is good, I remind myself daily.

I’m loved, my friends remind me.

I do good work, my coworkers tell me.

I’m not alone, but I am often lonely.

One of my best friends and I were having a conversation a couple of weeks ago and I teared up a little. We hadn’t had a one-on-one in a while. She reminded me that being independent and building the life I want can be, ironically, lonely.

That’s the way it goes.

Crying is good. It’s cleansing. I’m emotional – it’s part of the package.

The loneliness, though? I don’t know how to overcome it. It’s the biggest irony of my life. An ambivert with an independent soul that craves solitude to recharge – but also craves the intimacy provided by other people.

So, sometimes, I just cry myself to sleep.

The next day is always a little better, even if my heart is always heavy.

16 Comments

SHERRY KEEF

June 3, 2015 at 5:07 pm

I second this statement,
Crying is good. It’s cleansing. I’m emotional

Sze Cheung

June 3, 2015 at 7:20 pm

Great post !!!

Reava Bennett

June 3, 2015 at 7:51 pm

After I have a good cry, sometimes I feel even worse. Like I gave in to the impulse to be weak. I feel at times that I’m too strong (or faking it) for my own good.

John Thuku

June 3, 2015 at 9:07 pm

It is okay to cry. Rather than bottling up all those feelings, let them out. You will feel much better.

Mai Tran

June 4, 2015 at 1:25 am

I feel lonely all the time though I live with the boyfriend. Sometimes, life gives us lemon.

Lamia L

June 4, 2015 at 5:21 am

I swear I understand this feeling, I also was crying alone like two days ago wondering about life…

Kristin Knudsen

June 4, 2015 at 6:23 am

I know what you mean! I always feel better after a good cry! There is no reason for anyone to judge anyone, because they cry! It’s a great sense of relief!!!