“My heart it is racing, but afraid I am not”

“I’m going through a rough patch,” I told one of my best friends last night as we sipped our nightcaps after a great meal and a show at one of our favorite venues.

She looked at me straight in the eyes and said “a rough patch where you have a roof over your head, a job you love, and pretty solid life. You’ve been through worse.”

She’s right, of course. I have been. In fact, earlier that night, I had given her a highlight reel of one of the toughest periods of my life. I met her right at the tail end of it, when I was still healing and wasn’t really talking about the details.

There’s so much of my story I haven’t shared with even my closest confidantes because I met them after I had come out of the fire. It’s never about “hiding” my past but choosing to only share the details as they become relevant to today.

And sometimes, honestly, because I’m so open with them, I just assume that I’ve already told them everything, even though I’ve lived lifetimes before our paths even crossed.

So this is 34. It’s no longer about just moving forward and just surviving and thriving in small, present moments but owning my full story.

It’s going back to my roots of sharing my pain, my flaws, my weaknesses, and the lessons I’ve learned, not only to begin healing but to help others understand my story.

This is 34.

It’s owning my anxiety and my bad days and being honest about how much I’m struggling.

It’s reminding myself that I am allowed to cry it the fuck out when my heart is broken into pieces.

This is 34.

It’s being selective with how I choose to spend my limited energy, and not feeling guilty about leaving people behind when they’re no longer a good fit for who I am becoming.

It’s about not only growing out of my own comfort zone, and remembering that I will grow out of other people’s comfort zones. It’s knowing that I do not have to apologize for either.

This is 34.

It’s being able to stop saying “I’m too much” and instead, pivoting to proudly owning my personality without feeling the need to shrink to fit into anyone’s expectations.

It’s loving things and people passionately and enthusiastically without justifying my feelings.

Oh, and I guess it’s safe to say that this space is going to get a little busy again.

I’ve missed writing. I’ve missed sharing. I’ve missed my community.

So, if you’re new or if you’ve been around for a while, I hope you’ll stick around.

Because this is 34, and y’all, I have a lifetime’s worth of stories to share.