2015: The Year of the #DirtyThirty

I started writing this post in December, when I realized that January is no longer my true north when it comes to new beginnings. There’s no distinction between 11:59 PM on December 31 and 12:01 AM on January 1st. My life has become a fluid evolution of growth, fear, understanding, adventure, and being bold.

There seems to be, however, another time of year that has had a common thread running through it my entire life. It wasn’t until this past month that I finally made the connection.

On December 18, 1995, my family and I got on a plane for a new life in a new country.

December 1, 2006, a seed was planted for what would become my life’s mission.

December 21, 2012, I got in my car and drove cross-country to a fresh start with no real plan.

December 7, 2015, I started a new project at a new company, the biggest challenge in my career so far. The one that has me lying awake at night, wondering if I can truly do this.

I’m sure there are other days, other moments, that have made a difference in my life in Decembers throughout the years. I’m not saying I will treat every December like a fresh start, but I plan on respecting the thread and the decisions I’ve made throughout the years.

But about 2015…

Thinking back to my year, it’s easy to notice the trend of travel. If I drilled down into the numbers, there’s a good chance I spent more days on the road than at home. A home I’ve fought to build. A home with friends who have become my adopted family. A home I love coming to, but it felt like all I wanted to do was escape.

Don’t get me wrong – travel was going to be a big part of my life no matter what. That will never change.

My reasons for traveling, though? They’ve been tucked away, but conversations with friends have brought them to the surface.

I’ve been terrified about putting down roots in Seattle – not because I don’t have faith that I am loved and I have an incredible life. Precisely because things are so incredible in my life at every turn, I fear it will all fall apart if I’m around for too long.

Silly, right?

I finally recognized it, verbalized it, and I’m working through it. So, 2016 will be about nurturing those roots and after 3 years, finally truly exploring and becoming a part of my community here in Seattle.

2015 was a year of loss. 2015 was a year of fresh starts. 2015 was a year of broken relationships, trusts, and new ones that have taught me so much about myself.

In 2015, I learned about grief. Specifically, I learned about how I process grief. Hint: It’s not well. After I said good-bye to my precious Dot, I went down a spiral. I was convinced I couldn’t open my heart to another animal. Then came Farrah, who taught me so much about patience. I’ll talk more about that in an upcoming post.

In 2015, I learned about finding kindred spirits in the most unlikely places.

In 2015, I experienced Vegas for the first time.

In 2015, I learned why Goonies never say die.

In 2015, I was reminded that sharing my story isn’t always about me – it’s about the people who need to hear that in that exact moment in their lives. I remembered why I began writing in the first place, and promised myself that I would get back to basics.

In 2015, I left my heart on the stage, and it was one of the most exhilarating experiences of my life.

In 2015, I drank too much, laughed even more, cried a little less, and little by little, learned to trust in the love and patience my friends have for me.

In 2015, I finally showed my brother my new home, and he fell in love with it just as much as I did the first time I stepped foot in this beautiful city.

In 2015, I turned 30.

In 2015, I allowed myself to feel anger.

In 2015, I made peace with myself and my tagged photos.

In 2015, I took lots of selfies.

I have absolutely no idea what 2016 will bring. I’m not setting any resolutions. I’m not trying to find a theme or word for it yet. It’s the year of [TBD].

One thing I do know is that there will be more blogs. More writing. More me out in the world. So I hope you’ll continue to stick around. And if you’re new around these parts, welcome. It gets a little spazzy once in a while, but I’m told the ride is usually worth it.