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This Post Is More For Me Than You

Let’s get something straight right off the bat.

I have been MISERABLE the last few months. I have done things that I regret (OK, that I need to forgive myself for), and I came close to losing my apartment, twice, because the Universe was just testing me to my limits. I asked for help, I cried, I became a hermit, and I pushed people away.

Through it all, I still got up every morning and I tried.

I know how bad I’ve been. I know that I’ve been a bad friend and no matter how I tried to be positive, depression won out on most days.

I didn’t give up. Confession? There were a couple of days in the last few months that suicidal thoughts found their way to the surface for the first time in years. For my friends who will be yelling at me since this is the first time I’m mentioning it here – I’m sorry. I just couldn’t have you worry about me more than you already were.

There are a lot of feelings I’m processing and much more I will need to talk about in future blogs. However, this post isn’t about the negative in my life.

It’s about all the positive.

Sigh. Look. I’m clearly not perfect, but the one thing I’ve always liked about myself is this obnoxious ability to stay positive and hopeful, even when I couldn’t see a goddamn glimpse of the light at the end of the tunnel.

I had to be my own light because I couldn’t count on others to be the light for me.

People around me tend to doubt me in my moments of weakness. I was told that maybe I should just move back east. Oh, the work I’ve been doing for the last four years is a joke. Why follow my passion when I can just fly under the radar and get a job just to pay the bills (which I did).

See, along with my annoying habit of trying to be positive, I also seek approval from others because in moments of weakness, I forget where I have come from and how I am the only one that can make shit happen in my journey. I forget my own words and my own promises to myself. Sure, I have amazing people encouraging me and who have been incredibly supportive. I’m not saying I’m not grateful for them. I just have to keep remembering that it is my hard work, attitude, and passion that has brought me this far in my life.

It took me two years but I finished my short story and published my first EBook (on Amazon. Get that shit.). If you’ve already got a copy of it, do you mind leaving a review for it on Amazon? 

It took me one year and a lot of bullshit but I got in my car and drove cross-country, by myself.

It will still take me time before I consider myself an amazing photographer, but I think I have a pretty decent eye for it.

I worked hard to build credibility and a great brand to get the projects I’ve been given, and to come to the point of reaching the next point in my career. After a fantastic interview, I was offered a job at an amazing company that just proved to me that what I have been doing for the last four years wasn’t a joke. Through my own sweat, tears and blood, I made it happen.

The only thing I regret are the moments when I lost myself. When I questioned my own gut and path because of what others thought I should do.

The next chapter in my journey is going to be an amazing one, you guys. Epic even. It’ll probably have lots of ups and downs, but I know one thing: If I made it through the last 6 months and reached my light, I know there is nothing in this world that can keep me down.

Knock me out, once in a while, sure, but never keep me down.

I know I owe a lot of you emails. I am emerging out of the darkness and am looking forward to reconnecting with you amazing people.

(Before I forget, all of my blog pages are now combined under Berrak Sarikaya, Writer. Fan it when you get a chance, will ya?)

{ 7 comments… add one }
  • womanonpause July 3, 2013, 4:10 pm

    You’ve got this. Promise. Even on the days you feel like you don’t. You got it.

  • Edwin July 3, 2013, 4:16 pm

    Wow. I’m not really sure what to say. I’m happy you didn’t give up. You can do anything you set your mind to. And you know why ? Because you’re a really incredible woman. I’m sorry you’ve been going through such a hard time lately. But it’s good to see you back in the saddle.

    You’re going to kick so much ass in the next few years. And i hope to follow along and that you’ll allow me to keep telling you how wonderful you are.


  • suki July 9, 2013, 11:21 am

    GET IT, Girl! 🙂

  • AC May 30, 2015, 12:13 pm

    I have a hard time with trying to please others and not pleasing myself.

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