“You have ME here.”
When my friend said that to me during a GChat last week, I’m pretty sure she didn’t know the impact of it. She said it in passing, and I know she meant it…but the truth of the matter is, I’ve never felt like I belonged anywhere.
I have friends…I have the most amazing friends scattered all over the country and the globe. I hang out with some of the best people on the East coast on a regular basis but the fact of the matter is I don’t really belong in any group. For the longest time, I wanted to belong…to be an integral part of the groups of the people I love and admire but the truth is, I’m never really going to belong.
Sure, I’ll be invited and I will have fun but when it comes to being a part of that ‘core’ group, I don’t think it will happen. Not for lack of trying…but just for who I am and where I am in my life.
When I was younger…hell, until a few months ago, the reason for not belonging was because of my home situation. It was easier to become anti-social than to have to say “No” when people invited me to places. Then, when that reason disappeared, I didn’t feel sufficient enough and the fear of rejection came into play.
“What if it wasn’t because of my situation but it was me? What if I really am not wanted?”
The truth is…It wasn’t any of these things. I’ll always be the one that stands out in groups…and I’ve come to terms with that.
It’s part of who I am. Don’t get me wrong…I can hang with the best of them, and sure, I’ll consider myself a part of those groups but I won’t really belong.
I’m OK with that.
It’s always been a given that I’m the black sheep in my family…I really wanted it to be different when it came to my friends.
The way my life has been and my personality has led me to be friends with a diverse group of people…and while I click with those people on an individual level…and can carry myself around THEIR friends, I won’t make the same connection.
I’m hard to understand. I’m quirky, spazzy, hard to figure out at times.
I’m not the clown, the flirt, the hottie or the brainiac.
I am and forever will be the “Odd” panda.
Naturally, I’m strangely at ease with that.
Where do you belong in your group of friends?
How do you manage your different group of friends?
Are you the same ‘panda’ in each group or does it differ?