Tossing and turning, the night is a blur of nightmares and tension eating up at me. The alarm rings, causing me to jolt up off the bed, reach for it and groan at the same time. He reaches out to me to calm me down and then hit snooze on his alarm.
My head hits the pillow again, eyes closed, not wanting to face the world. Some days, I stay awake to talk to him as he’s getting ready for work.
I fall back asleep, if you can call it sleep, as I wait for him to leave. I feel him going back and forth, getting ready for work.
Sometimes he’ll linger longer because he’s worried about me.
Today is one of those days.
He gives me a kiss on the forehead and leaves.
I doze in and out of sleep for another hour or two and then get up to attack the day.
“I will have a good day” I tell myself.
A bowl of cereal and my laptop accompany me to the same spot on the couch. The dreaded couch.
I check e-mails, open up the saved job listings and work on another e-mail to another job.
A wave of optimism takes over me as I talk to friends.
“I can do this. It will all be OK.”
After an hour of being productive, I decide to take a break. I put my laptop to the side and grab the remote to watch an episode of ‘Supernatural’ on my DVR. (I’m addicted you know).
Within 30 seconds, my DVR reboots. For the next half hour, I battle with the DVR as it refuses to work or constantly reboots.
I can’t even get my DVR to work.
How can I fix my life?
An overwhelming feeling of doom and failure overtake me. The more I try to throw it off my shoulders, the heavier it gets.
I sink deeper into the sofa, into dusk, into my nightmares until he comes home.
Another day wasted.
He holds me close until I drift off to sleep.
Let’s try again tomorrow.