(Since my headache is unbearable today, I’m bringing you a repost from 2008…)
“OH MY GOD! SOMETHING’S MOVING!” My brother screeched in the darkness. We were in my cousin’s basement playing XBox 360 at 3 in the morning. All of us jumped up on our respective couches and the game was paused.
“Adam, TURN ON THE LIGHT!” I yelled. I was too far and there was no way I was risking something crawling on my feet or even worse, stepping on a spider BAREFOOT in the darkness. No sir.
“You do it!”
“No, you’re closer! And stop yelling! Sarah’s sleeping” Which was a stupid thing to say considering the game was louder as a result of my cousin’s surround sound and our screeching probably sounded like flies whizzing around compared to the game.
In the dark basement illuminated only by the big screen TV, I saw my cousin doing a split with one foot on the couch and the other reaching for the stationary bike while his arm reached for the light switch. Meanwhile, my brother was whimpering and looking on the ground, as if the second the light was turned on, a 6 foot tarantula would appear and grab his pee-pee. As the light went on, I heard him scream “IT’S MOVING!”
I looked down to see a centipede racing under the couch that my cousin now had his entire body on.
“Where’d it go?”
“Under your couch! IT’S GONNA COME ON YOUR FOOT”
At this point, I could’ve just gotten a shoe and waited for the centipede to come out but this was more fun to watch. I just sat on my couch and watched the two idiots that are somehow related to me argue over who was going to kill it.
“You do it. You’re closer” my brother ordered my cousin.
“No. Fine. Give me something so I can hit it.”
“I’m not moving”
At this point, they’ve completely forgotten about me.
“OH MY GOD, IT’S OUT!”
“OK. OK. I’ll…I’ll get the trash can!”
“Hurry!” My cousin heroically jumped off the couch, grabbed the trash can and threw it on the centipede from 5 feet away. At this point, I can’t stop giggling.
“Is it dead?”
“Watch the trash can start moving” I said between giggles, which caused my cousin to jump back on his couch.
“OK. How about one of us lifts the trash can and the other hits it with a shoe?”
“OK. Go get a shoe” My cousin went to grab my brother’s shoe and for the next 45 seconds, they argued over who would lift the can and who would hit it. Logically, since my cousin was the braver of the two the first time around, it was my brother’s turn to hit the centipede. A full 5 minutes had passed since my brother’s first screech and at this point, I couldn’t stop laughing with my feet firmly planted on my couch, thank you very much.
“OK. I’m going to lift it and just hit it right then.”
“OK. Hurry up” my brother whimpered. My cousin walked as far away as his arm’s reach would allow him and lifted the trash can. My brother, shoe in hand started backing up with his arms flailing as he screamed “IT’S MOVING”. He threw the shoe at the centipede from 5 feet away and ran back to his chair.
“Is it dead?”
At this point, I HAD to jump into action.
“Oh for fuck’s sake. Just lift the shoe.”
“You do it”
“OK. Fine.” I lifted the shoe to find the centipede busted in half. “THE FEET ARE MOVING” my brother yelled from his chair.
“Oh my god, it’s gonna get you!” I giggled as I hit the feet to make them stop moving.
My cousin handed me a bundle of napkins to pick up the inch-long centipede and he went to flush it down the toilet.
For the rest of the night, our feet were firmly planted under our asses and once in a while, in the middle of the game, I’d whisper “Is something on your leg?!” to see them squirm and freak out.
Did I mention these manly men were 16 and 26 years old?