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Road to Inner Peace

Graffiti decorations
Under the sky of dust
A constant wave of tension
On top of broken trust

Even at the “young” age of 23, I can look back at my life and say that it’s been a life of turmoil and constant battles. Are there people who’ve dealt with worse than I have? Of course but I also know that the cards that I was dealt were not fair ones. My mom has a very severe personality disorder and I’m pretty sure that having me broke her…at the age of 23. While she’s stuck in a time loop of wishing to take back her life and resenting me childishly for taking it away, I’ve had to grow up. Not only have I had to grow up but I’ve had to raise my brother and do all of this while being torn between my home and being thrown into a completely foreign culture at the mature age of 10.

It’s fair to say that “peace” is not a word that is strong in my vocabulary. I didn’t have peace when I was suicidal. I have never had the peace required to be my own person without feeling guilt and consequence of just being born. A choice that I did not make but I am a consequence of a bad choice on my mom’s part. Her immaturity has been the reason I’ve had to grow up. Quickly. Losing innocence does not equal peace.

Paper bags and angry voices
Under a sky of dust
Another wave of tension
Has more than filled me up

The past three years have brought me closer to inner peace than any point in my life. That is not to say that the past three years have been easy. In fact, most of my adult life has been spent battling chaos at home while trying to create stability at school/work during a period where my heart has been full and broken violently. I’ve had to heal. I lost myself a few times. I lost direction. I do believe for a split second, I lost faith. For more than a split second, I lost all the progress I’ve made, ignoring the words of those who love me the most, and saw myself as the person that those who don’t understand want me to be…instead of who I am. When I say my friends are my world, I don’t think the magnitude of that statement truly transpires to anyone who doesn’t understand. I don’t mean it as in “MTV Generation, we’re best friends forever”…I mean, these are the people who keep the door open for me to step through when I’m tripping up and running away from myself.

Because I can’t hold on when I’m stretched so thin
I make the right moves but I’m lost within
I put on my daily façade but then
I just end up getting hurt again
By myself (Myself)

The closer I’ve come to inner peace, the more things I’ve realized about who I am…Accepting these realities help every day, and the acceptance of who I am with my flaws is what helps me find a reason to smile everyday, even when the world out there wants me to be miserable and people can’t understand why I’m laughing till tears come out.

I’m strong on the surface
Not all the way through
I’ve never been perfect
But neither have you

I am…perfectly imperfect.
& Beautifully flawed.
I am…inexplicably simple
& Simply complex.
I am…eternally a child
& Doomed to be mature.
I am…impatiently understanding
& Annoyingly patient.
I am…disturbingly peaceful
& Ridiculously sensible.
I am…the paradoxical palindrome
& All you have to do is stand still
In order for me to move you
With the love I have in my heart
Right next to the door that leads
To that pure peace
In my tainted soul.

When my time comes
Forget the wrong that I’ve done
Help me leave behind some
Reasons to be missed
Don’t resent me
And when you’re feeling empty
Keep me in your memory
Leave out all the rest

What helps YOU find inner peace?

{ 8 comments… add one }
  • pecosa November 4, 2008, 10:39 am

    I block everything out and try to refocus on absolutely nothing. Sometimes I travel within my own mind, but that makes me feel lost and I hate feeling like that. I just need a quiet space to be on my own and find my inner peace.

    As always, beautifully written.

  • Melanie November 4, 2008, 2:43 pm

    Losing myself in a book.

  • wovoka November 4, 2008, 10:23 pm

    Sometimes solitude is just what I need. It allows me to work things out within myself…

  • Travis November 5, 2008, 9:54 am

    So many paradoxes, are there not. πŸ™‚

  • PrincessQ November 5, 2008, 9:54 am

    I can’t not focus on anything…I have to focus on SOMETHING…Which is why I drive myself insane. LOL


  • PrincessQ November 5, 2008, 9:54 am

    I do that a lot lately. I spend my lunch hours in the bookstore, just shutting out the world.

  • PrincessQ November 5, 2008, 9:54 am


    I think you’ve had too much solitude πŸ˜‰

  • PrincessQ November 5, 2008, 9:55 am

    Well, that’s what makes me so interesting πŸ˜‰

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