No.

I keep telling myself that.

No.

Because my fingers dial your number. Because I want to confront you and say “Why?”

Because you texted me on my birthday.

I want to know what went through your head as you did it. Why now, after 8 months, did you decide to text me. What you thought would happen.

Especially considering you texted me at 5 in the morning, as I was lying next to my boyfriend.

The man who chose to love me so deeply that even though it scared both of us, we didn’t run. For 4 years, you ran.

The man who waited patiently until I worked through the fears that you embedded in me so deeply because all I knew was you.

The man who is ready to start a life with me.

The man that is the One.

I never compared him to you. There is no comparison. He is my soulmate.

I want to confront you but every fiber of my being is screaming “No”

No good will come of it.

And just in case you’re wondering…No.

You didn’t get under my skin.

No, I don’t miss you.

I felt nothing when I saw your number.

Yet…

I want to make you feel something.

Because you decided to text me on the happiest day of my life so far.

I just know that whatever feeling you experience the moment you see my number pop up on your phone won’t be worth it.

So no.

I won’t ask you “Why.” Because I chased after that “Why” for four years. I stopped chasing 8 months ago. You won’t get me to start running again.

26 thoughts on “No.

  1. Get the loin cloth and call my imaginary friend. This my friend, smells like a breakthrough.

    xoxoxoxox

    Reply

      1. Yup. I know exactly who you talking about too. So glad you’re deliriously happy 🙂 Miss you.

        Reply

    1. All I needed was to write it. It’s amazing how much it helps.

      Reply

  2. Good for you Sweets! Isn’t it wonderful to know he no longer holds a spell over you?

    I can relate. After his grand vanishing act the Ex left a voice mail at Christmas saying he loves me. Uhm, no you don’t. Thank God I had the sense to finally stop wasting my time and trust my heart with a REAL man.

    I can’t wait to meet Your One 🙂 Miss you!

    Reply

    1. Liberating.

      I can’t wait for you to meet him either. I think you two dorks will love each other 🙂

      Reply

  3. I think it’s good that this happened on one of the happiest days of your life. it’s the biggest realisation that this person is not over it . . . and you are in a FAR better place. It’s actually kinda brilliant.

    Although why they always need to fuck with our heads is a whole other issue.
    .-= Paula´s last blog ..THE TWITTER TIME CONTINUUM* =-.

    Reply

  4. the silence is probably eating him up more anyhow….good on, mate

    Reply

  5. I’ve SO been there. Been with the bad and now with the good. I’m so proud of you girlie. I love it when you write real, from the heart like this. It makes me relate to you on a whole other level then just the goofy, nerd side of us both. And it makes me appreciate you and your amazing talent so much more. Love you hun.

    Reply

    1. I only feel better when I write like this…Weird, lately, I haven’t been letting myself feel vulnerable.

      Have to get back into the habit of writing more.

      Love you too.

      Reply

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