Loss of Control

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That feeling. That crushing feeling swept over me the other day.

I can’t do this. I’LL JUST GET A REAL JOB.

I yelled that in my apartment. (Sorry Layla).

It was around this time last year that the unemployment was really starting to hit me and I was losing faith in myself. I pushed through then, and I pushed through this week but that feeling? It’s the worst.

My heart felt overwhelmed with doubt. My entire spirit was spinning out of control, because I’d given up control.

Once again, I let things that were out of my control get the best of me, making me retreat into my head. I felt like I had lost control of everything, including my motivation, creativity and most of all, life.

The reality is that things are good. I’m being challenged, and I won’t fool anyone by saying that this whole being a full-time freelancer deal is easy. It’s nerve-wrecking at times.

(Try planning a wedding at the same time you decide to flip your life upside down)

But I’ve been really good at staying on top of it, and not letting the crushing fear get me down. I worked my ass off to get to this point, and I know I can do this.

Well, I didn’t feel it the other day, because control was completely gone. Everything that overwhelmed me outside of my control suddenly took over my psyche. My heart. My life.

I began to shut down, slowly.

Good thing it was slowly, because I snapped out of it. The crushing feeling lasted about 24 hours, and I actively dug myself out from under it.

I let myself have a day. A day of being unmotivated. A day of saying “Eff this.” A day of retreat.

That day is gone. Retreat is over.

I’m back on the offense, feeling strong. Let’s crush it.

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