As I felt myself unravel in front of people that I just met Saturday night, I realized that I haven’t been the strong, independent person everyone seems to think I am for years…It’s been years since I’ve lived for myself and acknowledged the things I want to do with my life…
And now that I have the opportunity, I don’t know HOW.
I know how to take care of others. I know how to encourage those around me to go after their dreams. I know how to help them through their insecurities. I know how to make someone feel appreciated. I know how to push others to the top. I know how to please others and I am the best for feeling guilty about something that is not my fault.
I keep making promises to myself that I’ll be stronger, better, confident…I keep promising myself that I am not being selfish and it’s OK for me to move on with my life. I keep telling myself that but I don’t know how to accept it.
I don’t know how to go after what I want. I don’t know how to be OK with being happy because there is always someone in my life feeling unhappy and I feel that I shouldn’t be happy unless they’re OK. I feel like I can’t be independent and strong because that’s wrong…or at least wrong for me.
I feel like I’m TOO passionate, TOO caring, TOO hopeful. I don’t know how to feel things any other way. I don’t want to have to tone myself down for people because they might not understand that this is who I am.
I feel like I should go after what I want…but then I get pulled back because I’m stretched too thin.
It’s time to find who I am…again. It’s time to define who I am and how I want to live my life…even if it’s NOT who others want me to be…
I deserve nothing less than consistency.
I deserve nothing less than respect.
I deserve nothing less than affection.
I deserve nothing less than loyalty.
I deserve nothing less than anything I put my heart into.
I deserve nothing less than to be surrounded by people who accept me and encourage me to follow my heart.
I deserve nothing less than happiness.
“We don’t wish for the easy stuff. We wish for big things. Things that are ambitious, out of reach. We wish because we need help and we’re scared and we know we may be asking too much. We still wish, though, because sometimes they come true.” – Grey’s Anatomy