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Like A Telegraph To Your Soul

As I felt myself unravel in front of people that I just met Saturday night, I realized that I haven’t been the strong, independent person everyone seems to think I am for years…It’s been years since I’ve lived for myself and acknowledged the things I want to do with my life…

And now that I have the opportunity, I don’t know HOW.

I know how to take care of others. I know how to encourage those around me to go after their dreams. I know how to help them through their insecurities. I know how to make someone feel appreciated. I know how to push others to the top. I know how to please others and I am the best for feeling guilty about something that is not my fault.

I keep making promises to myself that I’ll be stronger, better, confident…I keep promising myself that I am not being selfish and it’s OK for me to move on with my life. I keep telling myself that but I don’t know how to accept it.

I don’t know how to go after what I want. I don’t know how to be OK with being happy because there is always someone in my life feeling unhappy and I feel that I shouldn’t be happy unless they’re OK. I feel like I can’t be independent and strong because that’s wrong…or at least wrong for me.

I feel like I’m TOO passionate, TOO caring, TOO hopeful. I don’t know how to feel things any other way. I don’t want to have to tone myself down for people because they might not understand that this is who I am.

I feel like I should go after what I want…but then I get pulled back because I’m stretched too thin.

It’s time to find who I am…again. It’s time to define who I am and how I want to live my life…even if it’s NOT who others want me to be…

I deserve nothing less than consistency.
I deserve nothing less than respect.
I deserve nothing less than affection.
I deserve nothing less than loyalty.
I deserve nothing less than anything I put my heart into.
I deserve nothing less than to be surrounded by people who accept me and encourage me to follow my heart.
I deserve nothing less than happiness.

“We don’t wish for the easy stuff. We wish for big things. Things that are ambitious, out of reach. We wish because we need help and we’re scared and we know we may be asking too much. We still wish, though, because sometimes they come true.” – Grey’s Anatomy

{ 19 comments… add one }
  • justjp June 22, 2009, 11:50 am

    I still wuv you! You are right, you deserve it all.
    .-= justjp´s last blog ..Good times =-.

    • PrincessQ June 22, 2009, 12:01 pm

      I do, don’t I?

      Can you get up here so we can have drinks already?!

  • ashley June 22, 2009, 12:22 pm

    I know EXACTLY how you feel, constantly doing things for other people, and neglecting your own self.

    You deserve all that and more!
    .-= ashley´s last blog ..Late Night Sweat* =-.

    • PrincessQ June 22, 2009, 12:56 pm

      I don’t think I even know how to take care of myself

  • LiLu June 22, 2009, 12:56 pm

    You’re on the Do It Yourself path now. There’s gonna be a lot of messes. But you’ll fine people to help you clean them up… and that’s the best part.
    .-= LiLu´s last blog ..There Are No Words. =-.

    • PrincessQ June 22, 2009, 12:57 pm

      I know I have amazing people in my life who help me clean things up…(You guys rock)

  • LivingWicked June 22, 2009, 12:56 pm

    I dont know how many times I am gonna have to say it before it sinks in: “One day at a time.”

    You are gonna get there.
    .-= LivingWicked´s last blog ..Yard Sale Pride & Creative Parenting (yes again) =-.

    • PrincessQ June 22, 2009, 12:58 pm

      I’m trying…I’m learning.

  • f.B June 22, 2009, 1:15 pm

    I definitely wish for the big things. But sometimes I wish for the easy things, too. Nothing makes me feel more comfortable than knowing all of the easy things are taken care of and settled.
    .-= f.B´s last blog ..crown me =-.

    • PrincessQ June 22, 2009, 1:17 pm

      Yeah, the easy things matter too…Sometimes we forget.

  • Patrick June 22, 2009, 1:22 pm

    Don’t worry about getting a little lost, it only lets you know when you’ve truly found yourself.
    .-= Patrick´s last blog ..The Definitive Dmbosstone 5.0 =-.

    • PrincessQ June 22, 2009, 1:24 pm

      I know…but I just don’t know if I’ll recognize when I do find myself.

  • SassyGirl June 22, 2009, 1:42 pm

    That hey arnold quote is like the tough love I got from my parents at the impressionable age of 12. Ever since, I’ve been fiercely independent, but a lot of times, I actually wish I could learn to rely on others more. There certainly are cons to being too capable on your own. But I’m sure you’ll find your own balance.
    .-= SassyGirl´s last blog ..Stranded in The City =-.

    • PQ June 22, 2009, 2:58 pm

      I’ve been independent but the connection that I’ve felt to my family has always held me back from being truly able to move forward with my life. It’s also almost made me sheltered in a way…I just have to find that balance now.

  • Alice June 22, 2009, 1:46 pm

    saying all this out loud (or… in writing on the internets.. WHATEVER) is important, i think. acknowlegding something in public – as opposed to just in my own head – makes it more real for me. as stuart smalley would say, you’re good enough, you’re smart enough, and doggonit, people like you! 😉
    .-= Alice´s last blog ..choose (my) own adventure! =-.

    • PQ June 22, 2009, 3:05 pm

      That’s why I’ve always written…I need to process things somehow and this is the only way I know how.


      Heh. I guess people do like me 🙂

  • Jaime June 22, 2009, 3:16 pm

    OMG I miss Grey’s Anatomy.
    .-= Jaime´s last blog ..Addiction =-.

  • tinyshrimp June 22, 2009, 4:20 pm

    I could define you :). Kidding!!

    I love the fact that you can now take that time to get to know who you are instead of worrying about everyone else. *big hugs*

  • MinD June 25, 2009, 12:15 pm

    I feel like I could’ve easily written parts of this myself. I know just how you feel. However, it’s as though I sometimes sabotage my life. Just when everything seems great, everything is happy, I have to find the faults in it and things crash back down. =/

    You deserve every happiness hun, without a doubt.
    .-= MinD´s last blog ..Take your dog to work day! =-.

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