Three suitcases packed standing against a barren wall covered in cracks and scratches…AC unit blowing air into an almost empty room in the middle of the night while the rest of the house is silent…Even the animals are at rest…
And here sits a girl, trying to make all of this real. Because right now, this just feels like a vacation that is almost too good to be true and if I go to sleep, then I will just wake up back in my bed at home…staring at my posters, hitting snooze on my alarm clock hoping that today will be bearable. Day after day, everything stays the same and then one day…
Everything is different.
Can this be real?
I won’t know until my room is fully clean, my bags are unpacked and the walls are filled with my memories and things that make me happy.
The other side of my wall, I can’t hear my brother whispering to his girlfriend how much he loves her. He isn’t there to say good night to me…or to laugh at how much he bugs me sometimes. I won’t hear a knock at my door just as I’m trying to fall asleep…because he needs my headphones. He’s now a phone call away…the phone call he’s reluctant to answer now because I know he’s hurting and I know he misses me. I’ve only been gone two nights and I miss him like an amputee misses their phantom limbs.
I wish I could stay…I wish I could be home and make it work but it wasn’t working. In the last two days, I’ve been able to talk to my mom on the phone without any tension. I can pick up the phone to talk to her without worrying about her pissing me off…or blowing up at her…because being home everyday to listen to her, even knowing she’s unstable…it was wearing me down.
We needed this. We need this.
I do feel selfish because I spent the day cleaning this house. I hung out with my roommates watching a movie at the end of the day. I laughed and I was carefree.
I miss my brother. I do miss my dad clicking away at his Poker game on his laptop while I’m watching TV. I miss my mom napping in the other room. I do.
But I also need to find myself. I need to be the daughter they deserve instead of a daughter who resents being home.
I hope that this will help my mom and I be close again. I hope that this will force my brother to spend more time with my parents instead of locking himself in his room. I hope that my absence makes them a family again by bringing them closer.
So I’ll try to fall asleep in this bed that doesn’t feel mine just yet in a house that feels like our vacation home in Turkey…and wake up to the first page of the next chapter in my life…or back to the first page of the endless chapter of my never ending nightmare.