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I’m A Young Soul In This Very Strange World

Three suitcases packed standing against a barren wall covered in cracks and scratches…AC unit blowing air into an almost empty room in the middle of the night while the rest of the house is silent…Even the animals are at rest…

And here sits a girl, trying to make all of this real. Because right now, this just feels like a vacation that is almost too good to be true and if I go to sleep, then I will just wake up back in my bed at home…staring at my posters, hitting snooze on my alarm clock hoping that today will be bearable. Day after day, everything stays the same and then one day…

Everything is different.

Can this be real?

I won’t know until my room is fully clean, my bags are unpacked and the walls are filled with my memories and things that make me happy.

The other side of my wall, I can’t hear my brother whispering to his girlfriend how much he loves her. He isn’t there to say good night to me…or to laugh at how much he bugs me sometimes. I won’t hear a knock at my door just as I’m trying to fall asleep…because he needs my headphones. He’s now a phone call away…the phone call he’s reluctant to answer now because I know he’s hurting and I know he misses me. I’ve only been gone two nights and I miss him like an amputee misses their phantom limbs.

I wish I could stay…I wish I could be home and make it work but it wasn’t working. In the last two days, I’ve been able to talk to my mom on the phone without any tension. I can pick up the phone to talk to her without worrying about her pissing me off…or blowing up at her…because being home everyday to listen to her, even knowing she’s unstable…it was wearing me down.

We needed this. We need this.

I do feel selfish because I spent the day cleaning this house. I hung out with my roommates watching a movie at the end of the day. I laughed and I was carefree.

I miss my brother. I do miss my dad clicking away at his Poker game on his laptop while I’m watching TV. I miss my mom napping in the other room. I do.

But I also need to find myself. I need to be the daughter they deserve instead of a daughter who resents being home.

I hope that this will help my mom and I be close again. I hope that this will force my brother to spend more time with my parents instead of locking himself in his room. I hope that my absence makes them a family again by bringing them closer.

So I’ll try to fall asleep in this bed that doesn’t feel mine just yet in a house that feels like our vacation home in Turkey…and wake up to the first page of the next chapter in my life…or back to the first page of the endless chapter of my never ending nightmare.

{ 19 comments… add one }
  • Scott Sheperd June 1, 2009, 12:29 am

    Beautiful. I hope you find that center that allows you to move one even if you move back to the turmoil. Sometimes it isn’t avoiding the turmoil, it’s rising above it. And sometimes that’s a bitch.

  • LivingWicked June 1, 2009, 12:32 am

    This blog makes me hurt. But it also gives me faith for you.

    I think that you are going to look back 6 months from now and not have a single regret.

    LivingWicked’s last blog post..Wholly Magnetic

  • Fearless June 1, 2009, 8:13 am

    The first nights in a new place are always strange, scary, and exciting. I won’t glamourize it and say that it will be the most fabulous thing you’ve ever done, that your roomies and you will be besties forever and evah, etc. etc.

    What I will say is that it is your first stop, a necessary stop, and hopefully, on balance, a good stop. Congratulations. The best is yet to come…

    Fearless’s last blog post..

  • Cassie June 1, 2009, 8:23 am

    I have no doubts that all this apprehension will fade away! Learn to just enjoy it!

  • PrincessQ June 1, 2009, 8:30 am

    Thank you.

    Yeah, it’s going to be different living with one of my best friends instead of seeing her once in a while. But I’m going to enjoy it and make the best of it.

    And yes…it was a necessary stop.

  • C-Pants June 1, 2009, 9:27 am

    We’re here for you, Babe. And we love you.

  • Tinyshrimp June 1, 2009, 10:06 am

    I’m sorry that you are having a hard time with this, but I really believe that it’s the best thing you can do for yourself. You NEEDED this!!!!!

    Speaking from my own experience….. It’s easier to become closer with your family when you aren’t living with them. You have the space you need and you spend time with them because you WANT to spend time with them.

    I’m only a phone call away if you ever just need to talk. XOXOXO

  • clairemontgomerymd June 1, 2009, 10:08 am

    you found some words! beautiful words. the rest will all come.

    clairemontgomerymd’s last blog post..i do that, but not that much

  • NotAMeanGirl June 1, 2009, 10:27 am

    You are doing the right thing… for all of you! I’m really proud of you for taking this leap. You’ll be happy you did and VERY soon!

    I adore you!


    NotAMeanGirl’s last blog post..Monday Morning Moron Management

  • Miss Tricky June 1, 2009, 10:47 am

    I am just loving you soooooo hard today!

  • LiLu June 1, 2009, 11:31 am

    Congrats, hon. Best thing you’ll ever do.

    LiLu’s last blog post..Fang Banger

  • f.B June 1, 2009, 3:19 pm

    Big, big step. Big. But it sounds like you know you had to do it. There’s comfort in knowing you did the right thing. I hope you find it and it settles you a little.

    And, I have the journal to match that proverb cover.

    f.B’s last blog post..bigdamnfish-a-phobia

  • phampants June 1, 2009, 3:48 pm

    living on your own will take time to adjust things, but it’s worth it. you will grow quicker and be happier

    phampants’s last blog post..A Hobbit’s Wedding

  • 12minds June 4, 2009, 11:07 am

    Very well written. It’s a huge step, but a necessary and significant one. It’s gonna be great.

    12minds’s last blog post..A Man Got To Have A Code [1]

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