Holding Above Water

I’m good at avoiding. Distracting. Running. Morphing. Hiding. Disappearing.

I take on too much…spread myself too thin…and then fall apart when I get to my breaking point…or rather, when I go way past my breaking point.

I’m there. I’m at that point where I’m not happy with the way I look, with the way my life is going, with how I feel in the morning…

I’m not happy with myself.

I avoided dealing with the biggest change of my life. I avoided dealing with the feelings of the past that are still hanging over my head. I avoided dealing with the pain so that I can start to be OK.

I avoided.

And I didn’t stop.

I have to stop. I have to recharge. I have to get back to where I belong…find where I belong…figure out who I want to be and move forward.

In order to do that, I have to stop.

I reached out yesterday. For help.

The last thing I want is to be at that place underwater, ready to let myself drown.

I am in pieces. I have to put myself together. It’s just a matter of finding the corner piece to start the puzzle.

A rain of shadows, a storm, a squall!
Daylight retreats; night swallows all.
If good is bright, if evil is gloom,
high evil walls the world entombs.
Now comes the end, the drear, Darkfall.

Darkness devours every shining day.
Darkness demands and always has its way.
Darkness listens, watches, waits.
Darkness claims the day and celebrates.
Sometimes in silence darkness comes.
Sometimes with a gleeful banging of drums.

We can embrace love; it’s not too late.
Why do we sleep, instead, with hate?
Belief requires no suspension
to see that Hell is our invention.
We make Hell real; we stoke its fires.
And in its flames our hope expires.
Heaven, too, is merely our creation.
We can grant ourselves out own salvation.
All that’s required is imagination.
– Book of Counted Sorrows, Dean Koontz

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24 thoughts on “Holding Above Water

  1. Everyone needs to find their own limit. Good that you’ve found yours and are dealing with it.
    .-= Maxie´s last blog ..Addicted =-.

    Reply

  2. There is no shame in asking for help. I have had to do it and I am better for it. Here if you need anything…
    .-= Lemmonex´s last blog ..Deal Broken =-.

    Reply

    1. I never thought there was any shame in it. I’m just not wired that way.

      I know and I appreciate it. Even that first step was hard for me. I might need a little patience.

      Reply

  3. Oh Sweets I am sorry. Wish I could wrap you in my arms and hug you, then sit you down and make you talk it all out.

    Let me know if you need my shoulders and ears? They are all yours, just say the word <3

    You are stronger than you realize and I love you.

    Reply

    1. The toughest part about trying to recharge is that the world keeps turning in the meantime. So make sure that, sometimes, you don’t care; that you don’t care about getting a project done for someone else or straightening out some external issue. Make sure you force yourself to stop and breathe.
      .-= f.B´s last blog ..we like her, too =-.

      Reply

      1. I think that is my biggest problem.

        Being able to stop and breathe.

        Reply

  4. I’m excellent at avoiding too. And then it suddenly hits you, all at once, everything you have been avoiding. Then you have to wade through the chaos. You’ll find your way back above water :O)
    .-= Lauren´s last blog ..Weakest Link =-.

    Reply

  5. I have two REEEAAALLLY big shoulders that you can use any time

    Reply

  6. Ahh, mid life crisis. I had one of those.

    Probably still having one. Yea, your 20’s and for me, 31 (the first quarter of this year was one big midlife crisis) doesn’t seem to be midlife, but I think that is overrated.

    Anyone that’s struggling with their existence is having a crisis 😉

    What am I doing about it? Me and my boss are working on a business that’s hopefully going to launch sometime this fall. We can run it part time after work and on weekends until it gets big enough that we can say bye bye to employer.

    And it’s really got me excited about shit again.

    Maybe that’s all you need, a change, something to work on, you know?
    .-= Mike´s last blog ..Doofus Texting =-.

    Reply

    1. I’ve been trying…there is a lot that I want to accomplish and I’m having a hard time getting motivated about any of it.

      Reply

  7. For some of us, avoiding is easier. For others – like myself – dealing with shit head on is easier. We all do things to defend ourselves, to keep ourselves sane, and eventually, sometimes, we realize that in the end, we’re worse off as a result. Seeing that maybe avoiding isn’t working for you anymore is a great step in the right direction. All my best hun!
    .-= MinD´s last blog ..Vacation, all I ever wanted. =-.

    Reply

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