When did my life get so fluid to the point where I’m reminiscing about 3 years ago and watching my past pass me by as the people in my life either get engaged or married? It’s amazing to me that I’m watching my brother grow up as my cousin’s nearing the end of high school and here I am at 23, wondering when life got so complicated. When did I have a substantial past that I need to let go filled with memories of days gone by and the “what ifs” of potential futures that slipped away one by one?
My life has never been simple or gradual but the fact that the past is now coming back to haunt me in the form of wedding dresses and engagement rings with a funeral on the side, it makes me almost afraid to move forward because I’m afraid of leaving life behind. A person’s life is only as good as the moments in them but maybe I’ve had enough “moments” to last me a lifetime. It reminds me of something a very fucked up in the head ex-boyfriend told me when I was 17.
“I will have lived my life, doing everything I wanted to by the time I’m 25. What’s the point of moving forward after that?”
Granted, he was trying to scare me into getting back together with him using the “I don’t have much to live” line without a terminal illness present, if you don’t count a demented personality.
Still though, I’m not afraid to live but at the same time, it’s overwhelming to let go of the good memories as time moves forward. As intense as my life is, because that’s the only way I know how to live it, I wonder what memories I’ll be thinking of four years from now when I get an email from a friend about so-and-so or I run into that person from my past who hasn’t crossed my mind in years yet there they stand in front of me, bringing the overwhelming emotions of the past with them.
Thinking back to the last 3…almost 4 years of my life, I think it’s safe to say that I have to lock the past away. With every mistake, every tear, every moment of fear that I overcame…I’ve learned all the lessons I need to learn and all the past is doing to me now is bringing back insecurities and doubts that shouldn’t be here to taint my relationships with the solid people in my life who have, over and over, proven their loyalty and love to me.
I cherish every moment with every person in my life so why do I have to have a past? Why can’t I just hold time still and live in this moment?