**Disclaimer: None of the references to coworkers in this post are related to my current job. They may or may not be related to past jobs but any relation is purely for entertainment purposes. Enjoy.**
“Mr. Gates, when did you first realize you were creating a Monopoly?”
“Monopoly is just a game Senator. I’m trying to take over the world”
Robin Williams said this during his Live on Broadway show in 2001. Oh how right you were Mr. Williams.
Microsoft is now seeking patent for office “spy” software.
The system would allow managers to monitor employees’ performance by measuring their heart rate, body temperature, movement, facial expression and blood pressure.
“Hello, Paranatural Operator, how may I direct your call?”
“This is Bill Gates for George Orwell”
*”If you wanna get to heaven” by Tracy Byrd*
“Hello, this is George Orwell”
“GEORGE, buddy! This is Bill Gates. I just wanted to call you and thank you for writing 1984. Splendid book. It was my bible for taking over the world!”
“All you Americans are the same. Go ahead and take over the world. Just wait till you get to hell. You will never believe who’s in charge here.”
“Oh won’t you be my neighbor?”
*Your call has been disconnected. Please try again after midnight*
That’s right ladies & gentlemen. Big Brother is coming to town. No longer will you able to goof around at work. No longer can you get drunk at lunch. You won’t have to worry about ways to tell your boss that you might be overworked. He’ll already know!
The system could also “automatically detect frustration or stress in the user” and “offer and provide assistance accordingly”. Physical changes to an employee would be matched to an individual psychological profile based on a worker’s weight, age and health. If the system picked up an increase in heart rate or facial expressions suggestive of stress or frustration, it would tell management that he needed help.
No need to worry! Microsoft is here. Can you imagine? And you were worried about a simple little drug test. Go ahead and pass that drug test to get the job. Oh they’ll get you. There are tons of little college graduates that are dying for your job. Now, your boss doesn’t even need to pay attention to you. He will have a little monitoring program that will read your thoughts.
Ain’t technology wonderful?
Well, shit, I can’t have dirty thoughts during the day anymore because the monitoring technology could mess up the mental image and process it as a younger picture of my boss.
What about my frustrations with stupid people? Those thoughts could be processed as frustrations about my space here at work & my boss could think that I don’t like my new desk.
I guess I can’t think about how annoyed I get at work, or how much I wish I could get a raise & how I’d like to be having sex bent over a pool table. Whoops.
Microsoft, while you’re at it, can you work on a gadget that will allow me to turn off my brain while I’m at work?
Remember children, this is a MICROSOFT program we’re talking about. The OS that is a piece of shit and crashes so many times, it will make your head spin.
Microsoft is like the OS version of Myspace. Instead of fixing the problems that they have in their systems, they just make new toys that will distract & make us forget about the problems in the first place.
I’m looking forward to that day when the little paper clip pops up on my screen and says:
“It looks like you’re having a mental breakdown. Would you like to…
…Blow up your computer?
…Shoot your coworkers?
…Jump out of your 15 story window?”
George Orwell, you were a genius.
But ya know..this could be a good idea. My boss could tell when I’m PMSing and he can STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM MY BAD SIDE.
So tell me…if this program was installed at YOUR work…what would your boss find out about YOU during the day?