“Lily? Lily? What happened?” Becky had sunk to the floor with me and was wiping my tears away. I couldn’t breathe, let alone speak. I don’t know how long I sat on that floor with her arms wrapped around me. My entire body had given out and refused to let me move. My breathing returned to normal and I could speak long enough to say “I need to go to the bathroom.”
I walked through her tiny apartment like a zombie, unaware of anything around me. The only thing I focused on was the sink and the faucet. Cold water ran, my hands cupped and I kept bringing it to my face. Once, twice, four times, I was in a trance. It was almost as if I was washing away what happened, but I was failing. I looked up in the mirror and saw us kissing. I couldn’t take it. Becky called out from the living room.
“I’ll be right there.”
I walked out and saw that she had made me hot cocoa. I sat on her couch, facing the windows, watching the world go by on the grey streets.
“What’s going on Lily?” she asked me. I turned to face her and saw the concern in her eyes. I had no right to worry my friend like that.
“He kissed me. He kissed my hand. He kissed my lips and I let him. He kissed me and I kissed him back.”
“The worst part is, it felt good. I don’t know what’s going on with me Becky. How could I do this? He’s engaged.”
“I know but honey…did he say anything? I mean…”
“Yes. He said he loved me.”
“He loves you? Like…as more than friends?”
“I don’t know Becky…but that’s so ridiculous. How could he love me?”
“Lily..how do you feel? I mean…” something in my eyes made her stop. “Lily, do you love him?”
Everything just hung in midair. Her words were frozen in air in front of my eyes.
“Do you love him?”
Do I love him? Of course I loved him. He was my best friend. I loved him…but was I in love with him? That wasn’t possible…right? No. I couldn’t be in love with him.
As these thoughts were eating me up, all I could tell her was, “I don’t even know.”
“Oh honey…” she said as she gave me a hug. “Look…I have to get to class but don’t go anywhere. Stay here with me tonight.”
“No Becky, I should probably get home.”
“I’ll be back in an hour and a half. Can you at least wait that long? I don’t want you to leave like this.”
“I’ll be fine.”
“Lily…come on. My roomies won’t be back till later tonight. We’ll have dinner when I get back. You can use my laptop and I’ll leave my key with you.” I wanted to be alone but I didn’t want to leave just yet.
“OK Becky. I’ll stay here. Thanks honey.”
“Of course. Now I get to go and have a blast in chem” she said as she rolled her eyes.
“Yeah…have fun with that.”
“You know you can raid our fridge. Just make yourself at home!” she called out as the door closed shut behind her.
I stood up and went to the kitchen. I washed my cup out and went to lay down on the couch. When I closed my eyes, the only thing I saw was Marcus and the only sound in the room was his voice.
“Do I love you Marcus? Is this what love is?” I said out loud to the empty apartment. I closed my eyes and cried myself to sleep.