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Nyctophilia

In one of the stars I shall be living

I’ve always preferred the night to day. I spent much of my childhood looking up – at the clouds, but mostly seeking the stars during the day. When they came out at night, my inspiration was revived with them. I found escape in the night. In a house full of chaos, my favorite time was the night. When everyone went to sleep. When I was left alone with my thoughts, for better or worse.

When I moved out and moved into a room that was essentially the size of a closet in a house full of 4 other people, I waited until everyone went to sleep before tip-toeing downstairs with my laptop or book.

The night and I became best friends. Worst enemies. The quiet in the night became my confidante. The internet brought me friends in different time zones, hundreds of blogs to read when I got lonely because the world was too quiet and my demons too loud.

My writing flows the easiest in the quiet of the night. I sit here, with music in my headphones, my cat purring in my lap and my fingers flying across the keyboard. Yes, even alone in my own apartment, I use headphones. It’s how I get in my zone. It’s how I create. It’s my bubble.

Not every night is productive. Some nights, I can’t shut my brain off long enough to sleep, nor can I slow it down to pick out a single thought. Some nights, my anxiety drives me into a panic mode and all I can do is clean and organize. Some nights, the depression is so heavy that all I can do is lie there, staring at the TV, not even attempting to reach for my notebook.

The night and I have a complicated relationship – but it’s a reliable one. As an insomniac, I accept it fully. The nights I can actually go to sleep, my subconscious takes over and I wish for the sweet release the manic nights when I at least feel a little more in control.

I know it’s hard for my friends to grasp. I know that this may change drastically when I find a partner who will be by my side to calm those demons when my nightmares start to creep in. But I can’t deny the truth that the night is my most creative time. As a writer, I try really hard to get into the zone during the day, like a normal person. But the night calls to me like a siren.

“It’s just you and me,” whispers the night. Not a single distraction in the world. No phone calls, no meetings. No sunlight tempting me to come out and play. In the quiet of the darkness, I am free. I am loud. I am raw.

I cut the veins open and words bleed on to the page without interruption.

nyctophilia

 

Comments on this entry are closed.

  • Kim M May 14, 2015, 9:14 am

    I’m a night owl, too. I find that when the house is quiet, I can finally hear me.

  • Janet Murray May 14, 2015, 1:23 pm

    I’m a lark, but – whether it’s morning or evening – I think there’s something really magical about being the only one awake when the house is perfectly quiet 🙂

    • Berrak May 15, 2015, 1:24 pm

      Absolutely 🙂 Of course, living alone, you’d think I’d get that all the time. I’m a creature of habit.

  • kylaroma May 14, 2015, 3:02 pm

    I’m a big night owl and I’m slowly becoming more of a morning person – but I still love the night. The cool air and maybe the smell of a bonfire from nearby? So perfect. However, my insomnia? I’m less a fan of that 😉

    • Berrak May 15, 2015, 1:24 pm

      I’m trying to become more of a morning person. Being in the PNW, it’s easier to wake up to the early sunshine (contrary to popular belief) in the early AM. But I still can’t give up my life-long affair with the night.

  • Starla May 20, 2015, 1:56 pm

    What a wonderful post. I agree with you 110%. I am a complete night lover and always have been. There’s something about the night that I am obsessed with. I hate when I have to get up for work,lol! xo

    • Berrak May 21, 2015, 8:41 am

      Thank you! Yeah, waking up early is the hardest 🙂

  • John Thuku May 20, 2015, 10:33 pm

    I also prefer to be awake at night. It is quiet and peaceful unlike in the day.

  • Mai Tran May 20, 2015, 11:40 pm

    The only thing I love doing at night is looking at stars. Some lucky days in winter, I even see Northern lights, which is incredible.

    • Berrak May 21, 2015, 8:40 am

      That’s so lucky! I love looking at the stars as well. Since moving to the PNW, I’ve been able to see more stars on the nights the clouds take a break.

  • Kristin Knudsen May 21, 2015, 4:49 am

    You write beautifully! The stars at night, and the wispy clouds during the day, are just mesmerizing to me! I can’t get past the part about your cat just laying in your lap…mine lies across my keyboard!!! LOL 🙂

    • Berrak May 21, 2015, 8:39 am

      If I’m writing at night, I’m usually on the couch so she’s in my lap. During the day when I’m at my desk, she lays across my wrists and sleeps between me and the keyboard 🙂

  • Dale Hunsberger May 21, 2015, 8:30 am

    You are inspiring! I wish I could convince myself to write, since I’m such a BIG reader!

    • Berrak May 21, 2015, 8:40 am

      You just need to start! That’s the biggest hurdle

      • Dale Hunsberger May 21, 2015, 9:07 am

        That’s the truth – struggling for a long time – I just keeping talking myself out of it because I don’t think I will be successful

  • Courtney Bella May 21, 2015, 12:05 pm

    beautiful quote. Would love to live in a star. put my ashes in a star and let it burn in the sky. so awesome.

    • Berrak May 22, 2015, 8:23 am

      It’s from The Little Prince, one of my favorite books. It’s full of wonderful quotes like this one.

  • Lamia L May 21, 2015, 2:48 pm

    I’m also into the nights! Love the calm in it…

  • Kyaw Sein May 21, 2015, 4:15 pm

    Its the best time to meditate if you are interested in it. WoW , Calmness with a peace of mind is attainable in a short time

    • Berrak May 22, 2015, 8:23 am

      I’ve never been able to get into meditation, but I know it would be in the night if I begin.

  • Reava Bennett May 21, 2015, 7:54 pm

    A love of darkness is a real thing? I just thought that I was weird. So did my family. I have always loved the night over day because that is when I actually have peace. People are sleep and quiet and I am up all night enjoying it. Maybe it’s my aversion of people (agoraphobia) that makes me love the night? I wonder.

    • Berrak May 22, 2015, 8:24 am

      It probably goes hand in hand. I don’t have agoraphobia but I’m a hardcore introvert, so the night has always been my friend.

  • mimz May 21, 2015, 11:39 pm

    Same… Glad to see other people feel the same way.

  • Sze Cheung May 22, 2015, 4:04 pm

    Great post!

  • SHERRY KEEF May 24, 2015, 6:51 pm

    Wow just this part makes me want to read this book:
    I cut the veins open and words bleed on to the page without interruption.

  • Rita Corey May 24, 2015, 10:43 pm

    I have always preferred the night. It is the only time I can be alone with my thoughts and really relax. Love your writing.

  • Sze Cheung May 25, 2015, 4:27 pm

    Great post !!!

  • Stefanie gladden May 27, 2015, 8:18 am

    I definitely prefer night

  • Sze Cheung May 28, 2015, 4:53 pm

    Great post !!!

  • SHERRY KEEF May 30, 2015, 7:16 pm

    I think you write good books and I think that your using headphones even when your alone makes perfect sense to me.

  • Adriane May 30, 2015, 7:49 pm

    I’m a night owl too 🙂

  • peg5 May 31, 2015, 8:18 pm

    hi, i am a night person married to a morning person and it still works after 34+ years!

    • Berrak June 3, 2015, 12:23 pm

      Good to know!

  • sissy kat June 3, 2015, 6:58 am

    such a beautiful world!

    • Berrak June 3, 2015, 12:23 pm

      Isn’t it, though? I almost want to get it tattooed somewhere on my body.

  • Mitzi Fisher June 6, 2015, 1:48 pm

    I’m a night owl. It’s beautiful at night and peaceful….

  • Kristin Knudsen June 10, 2015, 3:45 am

    I am not a night owl. I am an early morning riser! Yes…usually in good spirits!!! But, I do love the quiet of the evenings!

  • Paula Bianca Gamboa June 14, 2015, 4:30 pm

    I’m definitely a night owl. I appreciate the beauty of the night! 🙂

  • SHERRY KEEF June 15, 2015, 12:05 am

    I love watching the stars at night. Tonight they are so bright and beautiful way up in the sky.

  • Paula Bianca Gamboa June 15, 2015, 4:51 pm

    The sky at night is the best! 🙂

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