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I Am…Beautifully Different (And other things)

I am…

…5 days away from being back on the east coast for the first time since I got in my car and left it behind 10 months ago. I am feeling all sorts of anxiety and excitement that I haven’t been able to properly articulate in the last couple of weeks. So much has changed since I left DC behind and I have no idea how I’ll feel walking those familiar streets.

…Writing again. Or at least trying to. I’m trying my hand at NaNoWriMo again since I have a title for my next book. I’ve also been lucky enough to surround myself with incredibly creative people, so I’ve been inspired pretty much on a daily basis for the last few months.

…Challenged every single day – in pretty much every aspect of my life. I love it, but I feel like I’m falling behind on everything.

…No longer waiting for the other shoe to drop.

…Allowing myself to feel genuine anger for the first time in my life. I can’t really explain it – it’s a strange, new feeling. Growing up, I never felt like I had any right to feel anger – I denied myself that feeling. I needed to be positive and I felt like anger wasn’t something that would help me get through the day. These days, though, I’m learning that it’s something I can’t deny, but I also have to be very careful not to be consumed by it.

…Happy.

…Truly drama-free. I used to be consumed with drama. When I was younger, a lot of my decisions fueled that drama. Mainly because it gave me some sort of purpose, until I grew up and realized what my true purpose is and once I learned to accept who I am, my life no longer had any room left for unnecessary drama. I no longer feel the need to justify my decisions about my life to anyone. I take a look around to the friends I have who love me unconditionally while being honest with me if they feel concern with a decision or the way my life is going. It’s not how long someone has been in your life but why they stand beside you today that matters.

…Embracing my inner-geek once again.

…Letting love win. My love of life has me going forward every day, even if I feel like I can’t take any more disappointment because tomorrow always comes.

…In competition with myself, and only myself. Once you start measuring yourself up against other people in any way, you lose yourself and who you really are. You become a shell of the person you are, shrouded in the shadows of other people. Life isn’t a dick measuring contest.

…Continuously cultivating wonder and the only way to cultivate wonder is to stop, strip away the layers of superficial weighing you down and live.

…Healing.

…Still obsessed with too many TV shows, too many books and way too much coffee.

How about you?

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  • jessicamalnik November 3, 2013, 10:31 pm

    This is beautifully written, Berrak. Through all the ebbs and flows of life, I find the biggest battle is just trying to embrace and learn to love your true self. Flaws and all.

    • Berrak November 3, 2013, 10:52 pm

      Thanks, Jessica. That really is the biggest battle that we all fight every day, whether we realize it or not.

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