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[Family] Land of No Secrets

It was completely unplanned.  She asked me if I had anyone in my life and a smile took over my face. I couldn’t stop. So I said yes.

It began with me telling her I was just seeing someone.

For over a year.

Oh, and my dad & bro have met him.

In between these little factoids, we went on tangents.

About my feelings, about our relationship and how much I wish it was better.

It just kept unfolding. Words kept flowing and eventually, I told her that I was engaged.

Oh and that we’ve been living together for a year.

I couldn’t stop gushing, and at the same time, I was so worried about her reaction. The reason we hadn’t told her was because we didn’t know how she would react.

I don’t know how I would’ve reacted 6 months ago,” she told me the next day.

I didn’t plan to have this heart-to-heart with my Mom. The truth is, it’s been hard not being able to share my happiness with her. It’s been hard keeping secrets, and not being able to call her whenever I had something share.

The conversation got awkward at times. We’ve never been that close. My mom doesn’t really know me, hasn’t known anything about my life for the past 6 years.

The secrecy wasn’t because I wanted to keep her out. It was so I could find myself. I needed to make my own mistakes, find my own footing, and embrace my own feelings.

I know I’ve broken her heart at times when I lashed out. I lashed out because she had no idea what I was going through, and she may have thought I was being overdramatic when I got frustrated over work. In reality, I was probably frustrated over work, a broken heart & hurtful friends all at the same time on that day.

She didn’t know.

Saturday, as we sat in the living room of their new house, something was in the air. It was as if everything that I’ve been holding in my heart got released and was hanging above us, waiting for her to absorb it.

And she did.

I gushed over my life. I gushed over the man who would become her son-in-law.

I told her about how he makes me laugh when I need it the most.

I told her about the way he took care of me when I was sick.

I told her about how much I love him.

I showed her pictures of us, even the silly ones.

I just kept talking about him. I couldn’t stop.

When my dad came home from work, and she said “I guess our daughter is getting married,” he told her that Andrew was made for me.

This is a new chapter in our lives, as Mother & Daughter and as a family.

I think we’re all in shock.

Every time I talk to her, I’m afraid the magic will disappear.

There will still be times she frustrates me. She will say things, like all mothers do, that will make me want to hang up the phone. She’ll make me feel defensive. We’ll probably have a fight or two [or10].

I welcome those moments. I welcome them, because at the end of the day, we’re growing closer. I welcome them because we are now in a land of no secrets.

I welcome them because they’ll be far and few in between the conversations about how much men are alike and they never grow up.

I didn’t plan it but I think this may have been the best Mother’s Day present I could’ve ever given my mom.

Me.

Unfiltered.

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Comments on this entry are closed.

  • LA Cochran May 3, 2011, 7:41 pm

    Congratulations, honey! It’s so much better when you can just say what you think!

    • Berrak May 3, 2011, 7:51 pm

      I am no longer stressed about when she’s going to call 🙂

      Thank you!

  • woman on pause aka sarah May 3, 2011, 7:44 pm

    You are so beautiful and I have waited five years for this post. Xoxoxoxo

  • Anonymous May 3, 2011, 10:21 pm

    YEA!!! This is a beautiful post, and I’m so happy for you and your family. Now your wedding will be absolutely perfect.

    • Berrak May 3, 2011, 10:24 pm

      Thank you!! 🙂

      PS: I better see you when I’m in Seattle in July! Miss your face!

  • magnolia May 3, 2011, 10:40 pm

    the joy just radiates through this post. i’m glad as anything for you that you had such an amazing moment! 🙂

    • Berrak May 4, 2011, 2:09 pm

      Thank you! 🙂

  • Stephanie May 4, 2011, 2:51 am

    I’m so glad! What a relief it must be!

    I don’t have a very close relationship with my father and I often wonder if I’ll even tell him when we get engaged…

    • Berrak May 4, 2011, 2:10 pm

      You will want to. And you should. Even if the relationship isn’t that great, if it’s *there*, it’s worth telling him. (This is a general comment without knowing the details though)

  • Suburban Sweetheart May 4, 2011, 3:22 am

    I’m so happy this happened. <3

    • Berrak May 4, 2011, 2:10 pm

      You and me both! <3

  • eemusings May 4, 2011, 3:32 am

    Oh, Berrak I can relate so, so much to this. I am not close to my family either. I told my mother about my engagement via email and worried myself sick about her reaction until I heard back. Luckily, she was happy, we all went out to dinner and it wasn’t all that bad. I still don’t know how much they know about us – it’s probably pretty obvious that we live together and have done for a while. I don’t know if they have issues with it that I am no longer privy to that I don’t live at home (thank god!) but if they do I’m glad they’re keeping those to themselves.

    • Berrak May 4, 2011, 2:14 pm

      I’m glad! My family and I are close but my relationship with my mom has been a little damaged so I’m hoping this will help repair it.

  • Storm. Katrina Storm. May 4, 2011, 6:54 am

    I dig your mom’s ‘do in the pic. It’s awesome.

    I’m really close with my mom, but its only because I moved back home when she got sick. Before that, I had little to do with my family. I’m glad you’re reconnecting with yours 🙂

    • Berrak May 4, 2011, 2:14 pm

      Oh the 80s 😉

  • Reillybri May 4, 2011, 1:40 pm

    Very nice words that totally made me smile this morning. So happy that you’re re-establishing your relationship with your mother. I was reminded of a similar conversation I had with my father a few years ago and I think I know how you might be feeling.

    • Berrak May 4, 2011, 2:14 pm

      Thanks darling 🙂

  • cait May 5, 2011, 1:31 am

    I love this, it brought a smile to my face.

  • peacebeme.wordpress.com May 8, 2011, 3:27 am

    Congrats on getting engaged! I just stumbled on your blog off of eemusings. I just got engaged two months ago. I also felt awkward telling my family, I have still never talked to my sister about it.

  • Michelle May 24, 2011, 8:31 pm

    that’s so fantastic!

  • Michelle May 24, 2011, 8:31 pm

    that’s so fantastic!

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