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Loving & Judging

I never hide the fact that I have issues with acceptance…and belonging…and being judged. When it comes to me, all of these issues are manageable because I have spent years figuring myself out and knowing my strengths and weaknesses.

Throw another person into the mix and I am in uncharted waters.

My friends meeting my boyfriend is difficult for me as it is because the only men that have been in my life have left me scarred and wounded…so my friends question my judgment. In turn, I begin to question my own judgment which leads me to start scrutinizing my boyfriend’s actions around my friends.

I want them to accept him so without realizing, I’ve been on edge…like a mother scorning her child, I’ve made him uncomfortable. I looked him in the eye Saturday night and admitted this…after I almost ruined our night because we were both getting frustrated.

“I feel responsible for your actions so I’ve been judging you without realizing.”

Probably one of the hardest things that I could say to a man who cares so deeply about me but our relationship is based on talking about the hard things because we both have baggage. My family is always going to be an issue so it’s important for us to get the other issues out of the way.

I am constantly on edge. My friends’ opinions of my boyfriend don’t influence how I feel about him or how I see him because I fell in love with him…but the same insecurities I have about myself, I have of him. I don’t want him to feel uncomfortable but I realize that the only person who’s been making him uncomfortable has been me all along.

He happens to be one of the most amazing, caring, patient people I know. It has been unfair of me to let my own misconceptions and past experiences taint his interaction with the people in my life (Who happen to love him…and why wouldn’t they?)

I’ve accepted my boyfriend, with all of his imperfections and have fallen in love with him. We both have growing to do but we’ve been growing together. As much as I have issues with being accepted and belonging, he is a big boy. If he comes across anyone who has a problem with him…he can handle it while respecting our relationship.

It’s up to me to leave my insecurities behind when I am walking hand in hand with him.

Christina Aguilera – Save me from myself

Comments on this entry are closed.

  • Cassie November 18, 2009, 9:36 am


    that’s all!

    • PrincessQ November 18, 2009, 10:20 am


  • lemmonex November 18, 2009, 10:18 am

    It is hard because when you are on edge, he can sense it. It probably makes it worse.

    You guys are new. You will figure it out.
    .-= lemmonex´s last blog ..Name Game =-.

    • PrincessQ November 18, 2009, 10:20 am

      Yeah…it just keeps escalating until I get a hold of myself and say “Look, this is the problem” and try to figure it out.

  • Liebchen November 18, 2009, 11:26 am

    It’s hard, isn’t it? But worth it. And at least you two have the kind of upfront relationship where you can talk about it, instead of one of you saying something passive-aggressive, and the other one jumping all over it…not that that’s happened, of course…
    .-= Liebchen´s last blog ..Where did “muppet” come from anyway?* =-.

    • PrincessQ November 18, 2009, 11:45 am

      I have been trying REAL hard not to be passive-aggressive with him…because let’s face it…That’s easier to do than to actually address issues head on.

  • LiLu November 18, 2009, 11:56 am

    I’m with Lex. It takes time to figure each other out… we fought like dogs in the beginning. Eventually you come to a compromise, and fit together instead of trying to make the other person fit YOU.
    .-= LiLu´s last blog ..The Antithesus of a Recap… Because I Can’t Just Be Normal About Anything. =-.

    • PrincessQ November 18, 2009, 12:09 pm

      Relationships are HARD yo.

      But so worth it.

  • phampants November 18, 2009, 12:58 pm

    =) I’m so happy that things are working out for you.
    .-= phampants´s last blog ..Wheezy Waiter – Crepe =-.

    • PrincessQ November 18, 2009, 2:28 pm

      Thanks Pham!

  • brad November 18, 2009, 2:03 pm

    i wouldn’t worry so much about leaving insecurities behind. don’t let them dominate, of course. but i’d continue sharing them. it gives him a chance to match them with his strengths and vice versa. because, after all, it’s supposed to be a balance. it’s supposed to be that neither one of you is perfect.

    • PrincessQ November 18, 2009, 2:28 pm

      Well…we ARE finding a good balance but sometimes I feel like my issues are unfair to him…or it’s unfair for him to deal with me as I work through them.

      But then I remember…we’re in a relationship.

  • Jaime November 18, 2009, 3:19 pm

    It’s human nature to want to learn from your mistakes, so letting past experiences effect the decisions you make comes naturally. Just the fact that you noticed you were doing this is a redeeming quality.

    Walter and I have known each other pretty damn well for about five years now, and we’re still learning about each other and working out the kinks in our behavior that bother or offend one another. It’s a CONTINUAL process, because people grow and change as they get older.
    .-= Jaime´s last blog ..Trust me. You WANT to read this. (AKA That Time I Almost Killed A Man) =-.

    • PrincessQ November 20, 2009, 5:34 pm

      It’s a learning process…a hard one at that

  • GingerMandy November 18, 2009, 9:10 pm

    you guys are still relatively new together, you’ll manage to get into a flow and be able to just know what the other person needs out of you. you’ll be just fine, i luuuuv you both 🙂

    • PrincessQ November 20, 2009, 5:33 pm

      We love you too!

  • MinD November 20, 2009, 3:29 pm

    I love that you say you’ve fallen in love with him, despite any imperfections. I always believed, and still do, that imperfections are what makes a person who they are and can even make them feel like the perfect fit. I love imperfections.
    .-= MinD´s last blog ..He’s heeeeeeere! =-.

    • PrincessQ November 20, 2009, 5:34 pm

      I love him because of his imperfections.

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