I never hide the fact that I have issues with acceptance…and belonging…and being judged. When it comes to me, all of these issues are manageable because I have spent years figuring myself out and knowing my strengths and weaknesses.
Throw another person into the mix and I am in uncharted waters.
My friends meeting my boyfriend is difficult for me as it is because the only men that have been in my life have left me scarred and wounded…so my friends question my judgment. In turn, I begin to question my own judgment which leads me to start scrutinizing my boyfriend’s actions around my friends.
I want them to accept him so without realizing, I’ve been on edge…like a mother scorning her child, I’ve made him uncomfortable. I looked him in the eye Saturday night and admitted this…after I almost ruined our night because we were both getting frustrated.
“I feel responsible for your actions so I’ve been judging you without realizing.”
Probably one of the hardest things that I could say to a man who cares so deeply about me but our relationship is based on talking about the hard things because we both have baggage. My family is always going to be an issue so it’s important for us to get the other issues out of the way.
I am constantly on edge. My friends’ opinions of my boyfriend don’t influence how I feel about him or how I see him because I fell in love with him…but the same insecurities I have about myself, I have of him. I don’t want him to feel uncomfortable but I realize that the only person who’s been making him uncomfortable has been me all along.
He happens to be one of the most amazing, caring, patient people I know. It has been unfair of me to let my own misconceptions and past experiences taint his interaction with the people in my life (Who happen to love him…and why wouldn’t they?)
I’ve accepted my boyfriend, with all of his imperfections and have fallen in love with him. We both have growing to do but we’ve been growing together. As much as I have issues with being accepted and belonging, he is a big boy. If he comes across anyone who has a problem with him…he can handle it while respecting our relationship.
It’s up to me to leave my insecurities behind when I am walking hand in hand with him.