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I Used To Be That Girl

…Who turned from tomboy to the crazy flirt because she was insecure.

…Who talked about sex all the time to get attention.

…Who thought that in order to feel confident, she’d have to expose herself and be the one all the guys want.

…Who settled for being wanted only for her body instead of being wanted for her.

 

 

This isn’t to say that I’ve slept around.

At all.

In fact, I probably could’ve slept around a lot more but I was OK just being the one in guy’s fantasies.

I talked about sex to draw attention and not because I wanted to talk about it all the time but because that was the hot topic.

I got sucked into being that girl because I thought that was the only way I could ever be wanted.

I used to be that girl who was so broken, she let her sexuality scream loud so her scared whimpers couldn’t be heard.

Don’t get me wrong. I still love flirting. It comes naturally and it is a lot of fun but I also like being one of the guys. I’m so used to conversations with guys turning to sex (or a fight), I think I’ve forgotten how to have a normal conversation but I’m learning again.

I’m not ashamed of my past but I’m proud to have come a long way into the future.

Since I started this site, my friends who used to read my blogs have noticed that I don’t talk about sex. There’s a reason for that. I don’t want to be that blogger anymore. I don’t want to be that girl. I feel more connected with people who come here to get to know *me* with my broken pieces, and help me move forward with each word.

I don’t even notice when guys check me out anymore because I’m used to it. That’s not being conceited but a fact. I am that girl who turns heads, even when she is blocking out the world.

I want the guy who walks up to me and talks to me without focusing on my body. I want the guy who wants to know the reason behind my smile, instead of picturing my lips around his boner.

So yes. My pictures have floated around. Yes, I’ve had random hookups. Yes, I’ve forgotten how to talk to a guy normally without turning it to sex.

I’m OK with who I am – broken and all. I do get a twinge of jealousy sometimes when I come across a blog of a girl who is STILL that girl, who might get more attention than me. Sometimes, I miss those moments and the attention.

Sometimes.

Then I remember my friends.

I remember the guys who’ve stuck around because they want my friendship and who can still pay me a compliment now and then without making me cringe. Who can still make me blush.

I remember the fact that I am no longer that girl because my body is only a part of who I am; it doesn’t make me who I am.

I’ll still flirt. I’ll still write about sex once in a while. I’ll still make dirty references to things because that IS a part of who I am.

Open, loud & sometimes the TMI Princess – Not ashamed of who I am and my sexuality.

I am not that girl but I’m still me. So if you’re new around these parts, I hope you’ll stick around.

 

 

Comments on this entry are closed.

  • Meghan March 30, 2009, 12:18 am

    Oh my GAWD! You be YOU, kitten…it’s what draws us here! Love and luck!
    M

  • LivingWicked March 30, 2009, 12:28 am

    I like the YOU you. And the new additions to who you currently are amaze me every day.

    Even if I do want to punch you.

  • clairemontgomerymd March 30, 2009, 12:41 am

    LOVE this!

  • Mike Garvey March 30, 2009, 2:00 am

    What? What are you saying? It’s like I don’t even KNOW you anymore!

    *sobbing uncontrollably*

    No, but seriously, you can stop TALKING about sex as much and showing that body of yours, but you should never stop LOVING sex and wanting it all the damn time.

  • Miss Tricky March 30, 2009, 8:32 am

    Do you think boys spend as much time as we do putting themselves into categories? Somehow I doubt it…..

    I didn’t know that girl, but I am getting to know this incarnation and I like her very much please!

  • f.B March 30, 2009, 9:50 am

    People will get it or they won’t. Sounds like you’re doing a great job of not worrying about it.

    And yes: we do categorize and hide it; all the time.

  • Tori March 30, 2009, 10:02 am

    I’m not necessarily that girl, but I’m bordering on sex addiction. I can only write what I know 🙂

    However, I definitely went through a phase where I finally grew up a little and the insecure part of me allowed guys to take advantage of me because no one had ever sexualized me. I enjoyed the intial rush of “ohmygod someone thinks I’m attractive?” but it turned into feeling like crap really fast. Probably because I *did* sleep around a lot. Sigh.

  • pecosa March 30, 2009, 10:26 am

    I like the way you write, regardless of the content, so there.

    Oh, and I’m totally new here. Do I get a celebratory cookie? Preferably one loaded with chocolate, sugar and carbs???

  • Peter March 30, 2009, 11:10 am

    Very, very good post.

  • country girl March 30, 2009, 11:37 am

    No sex talk…what will we talk about????

    Seriously, your great regardless of what we talk about…sometimes we don’t even have to talk…..

    You are just the bestest!

  • perpstu March 30, 2009, 12:22 pm

    Good for you! In the long run, that kind of attention is not the kind you want. I have a feeling the *new* you gets plenty of attention and it’s the good kind! XOXO

  • justjp March 30, 2009, 12:38 pm

    Sex talk is good, but redundant if you are not going to act on it. I am glad that we have random intelligent (or not so) exchanges. Your writing is to the point and interesting. Keep up the good work.

  • Jaime @ Fast Times March 30, 2009, 12:58 pm

    I love this you. It’s my favorite. I love that you’re honest and open about things and you don’t hide behind sex anymore. It’s part of why I think you’re so amazing.

    I’m not a fan of sex talk in general. I don’t blog about it or talk about it with anyone really, probably in part because of how I was raised. I’m not a prude, I just don’t like talking about sex. LOL

  • STC March 30, 2009, 1:20 pm

    OMG! That’s me!!!!

    I <3 my friends for making me see what I’m not able to.

  • On a limb with Claudia March 30, 2009, 1:43 pm

    I love this post and can so relate to it. ((hug)) You are becoming – and that’s a beautiful thing.

  • LiLu March 30, 2009, 2:00 pm

    Wait.

    What’s wrong with a little TMI?

    It is the spice of life, after all.

    Oh, that’s ‘variety’? Goddamn it.

  • Just Jen March 30, 2009, 2:16 pm

    It’s been an absolutely joy and privilege to watch you grow.

    You are beautiful and amazing and deserving of everything that is coming your way.

    Love you

  • Tinyshrimp March 30, 2009, 4:42 pm

    I loved that girl and I love the woman you are becoming.

    Just don’t lose the voices……I kind of like them. 😉

  • Squish March 30, 2009, 4:49 pm

    Can I be honest?

    Good. Cause I’m gonna.

    I saw glimpses of ThatGirl. We ran in the same circles, you and I, on that other site, and occasionally I would pop in to see what was what and who you were that so many of my friends were also your friends.

    I was never really grabbed by the blogs I read there. They seemed fun, and entertaining, but somehow hollow… empty… and I was looking for substance – if that makes any sense. I was looking to get to know you, but didn’t feel any of you in what I was reading, so I would shrug and move on… only to revisit again in a couple months…

    It wasn’t until you moved here that I felt something MORE behind your words. It’s entirely possible I missed the blogs on the other site that contained that MORE, and that maybe I wasn’t meant to feel it until you moved here…

    But this blog reminded me of the you I saw before I knew you. And of myself, pre-that other site. And it makes me think and it makes me smile and it makes me infinitely glad to know you.

    <3

  • AngeeBee March 30, 2009, 4:58 pm

    Great blog! Change is good.

  • Trista March 30, 2009, 8:21 pm

    I started out my blogging “career” talking about sex. It was pure strategy. And it worked. It was titillating. I wanted to get people talking about things that had previously made them uncomfortable, yes. But I also was approaching it like a business. I wanted more “customers.”

    Thankfully I realized I wanted to write, to communicate…not run a “business.” And there were a whole lot more things that I needed to talk about. So I left sex behind. I will revisit it, when I have something new to say on the subject, but being a one trick pony got old. And I realized that people weren’t getting the full picture of me, they were only getting one dimension.

    I like the complete you. I’m glad you have learned to share more of yourself.

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