…Who turned from tomboy to the crazy flirt because she was insecure.
…Who talked about sex all the time to get attention.
…Who thought that in order to feel confident, she’d have to expose herself and be the one all the guys want.
…Who settled for being wanted only for her body instead of being wanted for her.
This isn’t to say that I’ve slept around.
In fact, I probably could’ve slept around a lot more but I was OK just being the one in guy’s fantasies.
I talked about sex to draw attention and not because I wanted to talk about it all the time but because that was the hot topic.
I got sucked into being that girl because I thought that was the only way I could ever be wanted.
I used to be that girl who was so broken, she let her sexuality scream loud so her scared whimpers couldn’t be heard.
Don’t get me wrong. I still love flirting. It comes naturally and it is a lot of fun but I also like being one of the guys. I’m so used to conversations with guys turning to sex (or a fight), I think I’ve forgotten how to have a normal conversation but I’m learning again.
I’m not ashamed of my past but I’m proud to have come a long way into the future.
Since I started this site, my friends who used to read my blogs have noticed that I don’t talk about sex. There’s a reason for that. I don’t want to be that blogger anymore. I don’t want to be that girl. I feel more connected with people who come here to get to know *me* with my broken pieces, and help me move forward with each word.
I don’t even notice when guys check me out anymore because I’m used to it. That’s not being conceited but a fact. I am that girl who turns heads, even when she is blocking out the world.
I want the guy who walks up to me and talks to me without focusing on my body. I want the guy who wants to know the reason behind my smile, instead of picturing my lips around his boner.
So yes. My pictures have floated around. Yes, I’ve had random hookups. Yes, I’ve forgotten how to talk to a guy normally without turning it to sex.
I’m OK with who I am – broken and all. I do get a twinge of jealousy sometimes when I come across a blog of a girl who is STILL that girl, who might get more attention than me. Sometimes, I miss those moments and the attention.
Then I remember my friends.
I remember the guys who’ve stuck around because they want my friendship and who can still pay me a compliment now and then without making me cringe. Who can still make me blush.
I remember the fact that I am no longer that girl because my body is only a part of who I am; it doesn’t make me who I am.
I’ll still flirt. I’ll still write about sex once in a while. I’ll still make dirty references to things because that IS a part of who I am.
Open, loud & sometimes the TMI Princess – Not ashamed of who I am and my sexuality.
I am not that girl but I’m still me. So if you’re new around these parts, I hope you’ll stick around.