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Hand In My Pocket

Promise me you’ll always remember: You’re braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.

I love being the first one in the office. I like the peace and the quiet…I want to be able to get that peace and quiet at home.

2 months.

Right.

I’ve been feeling semi-normal lately. I’m in an interesting point in my life…turning 24 in a week and only now starting to experience some things that I didn’t even realize were possible…for me. I’m learning to go with the flow and let things just happen. From what I hear, this is good…and if I don’t…and I screw things up by being an anxious ‘tardcake, two of my best friends have joined forces & threatened me…All outta love of course.

I’m learning that not everything has to have a label to feel real…and I’m learning that I’m allowed to feel good.

So I’m letting myself enjoy the moments and the attention…of course, the kisses and the smiles. Whatever happens will happen but in this moment…right now…I’m happy.

I’ve also decided that I can’t be the one that my family constantly depends on…How can I be good to anyone if I’m not good to myself? This morning, I left the house super early…the last time I did that, my brother and dad slept through their alarm and were late…Really? I don’t want to be responsible for that. And I don’t want to be the only one my dad emotionally depends on. For the last couple of months, I’ve been spending every night watching TV with him and then staying up late to try and finish the homework I should’ve been doing instead. It’s not my fault that my mom is unstable and my brother is a teenager that locks himself in his room.

I love my dad…and I want to be there for him but if it’s at the expense of my life and future, how far can it last?

So no weekday TV for me for the next couple of weeks at least. That’s why DVR & weekends were invented.

I actually ENJOY my school work. That’s why I chose this major. But when it becomes a chore after midnight, it’s a problem.

I’ve finally started the blogroll *points to the right*…Let me know if I missed you, especially if you link to my blog. More will come…Running the site and doing maintenance on all the other pages have had to take a back seat for now.

I’m broke but I’m happy
I’m poor but I’m kind
I’m short but I’m healthy, yeah
I’m high but I’m grounded
I’m sane but I’m overwhelmed
I’m lost but I’m hopeful baby
I’m free but I’m focused
I’m green but I’m wise
I’m shy but I’m friendly baby
I’m sad but I’m laughing
I’m brave but I’m chicken shit
I’m sick but I’m pretty baby
What it all comes down to
Is that everything’s gonna be fine fine fine
I’ve got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is giving a high five

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Comments on this entry are closed.

  • Cassie March 24, 2009, 8:27 am

    <—is STILL the one the family depends on! OH WELL, it’s my lot in life. At least I know they’ll never forget me!! LOL

  • f.B March 24, 2009, 9:01 am

    I was the first one in the office today. Feels great.

  • Lemmonex March 24, 2009, 9:04 am

    It really is hard but breaking away from your family is part of growing up. Not abandoning or disowning them, but realizing you are your own separate person with a whole life ahead of you to live.

  • Miss Tricky March 24, 2009, 9:20 am

    Every post of yours I read makes me feel even closer to you! Except you are way smarter than I was and not as hell bent on self-destructing! I don’t really know what else to say except that I am squeezing you here on the interwebs!

    (that quiet at work is why I still daydream about opening or closing whatever restaurant I worked at alone- best 20 minutes ever!)

    oh and you don’t have to do all of it!! Let us help?

  • Tinyshrimp March 24, 2009, 10:12 am

    I am glad that you are beginning to think about yourself for a change. I love the fact that you care about your family so much, but I also know that you need this.

    *big hugs*

  • pecosa March 24, 2009, 10:15 am

    I have had that song in my head since you put it as your status message on gmail…and I still haven’t been able to get around to listening to it.

    I’m happy that you’re putting yourself first. YOU need to be happy in order to make those around you happy as well. Your dad is going to miss his little girl, but it will just make the time you get to spend together even more special.

  • perpstu March 24, 2009, 10:24 am

    In the few months I have known you, you have grown SO much. You are learning who you are and you’re only “almost 24.” You are an awesome superstar chickie! I can’t wait to see how far you go!

  • Jaime @ Fast Times March 24, 2009, 12:40 pm

    I, too, am learning to go with the flow. I, too, am learning that I can’t be everyone’s rock. I can’t be everyone’s front door mat. I can’t be their nanny, or their cure for everything. It’s hard realizations I’ve come to. It’s hard learning to put yourself first when you’ve been taught your whole life that it’s wrong.

    I’m glad we’re both growing this way. <3

  • LiLu March 24, 2009, 1:16 pm

    Jagged Little Pill was the second CD I ever owned… after Ace of Base, of course.

  • topsurf March 25, 2009, 5:03 am

    Funny, I’m am HOW much older than you, and I used that very song on my blog just a little while ago. Still growing still learning, it never stops. I know that when I bring something to my blog it makes it concrete, it solidifies it in my mind, there is no turning back. You have to do what is right for you, and only you really know what is right for you. You are growing, learning and maturing, that will never stop. Just fyi- turning the age of 24 was to this date the biggest birthday in my life. When I look back over all my birthday’s I always go to that one first, it was the year I matured, changed, grew more than any other year in my life so far. When I look back on that year it always makes me smile. ๐Ÿ™‚

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