I wish I could say that this was the good kind of out of control…but nope.
I figured out part of my problem. The reason I’ve been so depressed (Well, in addition to the fact that my life currently sucks at home)…so bitchy…so MY FUCKING HEAD IS GOING TO EXPLODE…
I hate things hanging in the air. I hate when I feel like I’ve lost control. I hate when someone I care about might be hurting and I can’t do anything about it. I hate waiting. I hate not knowing. I hate being out of control. I hate feeling like the walls are going to collapse. I hate when I can’t sleep. I hate not being able to tune things out. I hate when people want to guilt me into doing things. I hate not making everyone happy. I hate when shit at work is annoying and I can’t bitch someone out for *thinking* that they are my supervisor.
See that list of things I hate?
Yeah. Put all of that together…just ALL of, along with shit that I may have forgotten. You have my last 10 days in a nutshell. Every.Day.
This is why I freak out if friends try to change plans on me at the last minute. I need things in control. This is why I always take the lead on things, or try to make plans but at the same time, I want everyone to be happy so everything just becomes one big mess and I feel like I’ve failed everyone if one person complains and I fall apart and then I feel guilty for falling apart.
Got all of that?
And then, if I take one step…one small step to easy my pain a little and take a moment for myself?
Yeah. If something goes wrong in the meantime, the guilt I feel is the equivalent of the guilt that 40 sons who choose to not give grandchildren to their parents would feel from their mothers for 40 years.
That’s me. In a nutshell. With extra ‘nut’.