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Out of Control

I wish I could say that this was the good kind of out of control…but nope.

I figured out part of my problem. The reason I’ve been so depressed (Well, in addition to the fact that my life currently sucks at home)…so bitchy…so MY FUCKING HEAD IS GOING TO EXPLODE…

I hate things hanging in the air. I hate when I feel like I’ve lost control. I hate when someone I care about might be hurting and I can’t do anything about it. I hate waiting. I hate not knowing. I hate being out of control. I hate feeling like the walls are going to collapse. I hate when I can’t sleep. I hate not being able to tune things out. I hate when people want to guilt me into doing things. I hate not making everyone happy. I hate when shit at work is annoying and I can’t bitch someone out for *thinking* that they are my supervisor.

See that list of things I hate?

Yeah. Put all of that together…just ALL of, along with shit that I may have forgotten. You have my last 10 days in a nutshell. Every.Day.

This is why I freak out if friends try to change plans on me at the last minute. I need things in control. This is why I always take the lead on things, or try to make plans but at the same time, I want everyone to be happy so everything just becomes one big mess and I feel like I’ve failed everyone if one person complains and I fall apart and then I feel guilty for falling apart.

Got all of that?

And then, if I take one step…one small step to easy my pain a little and take a moment for myself?

Yeah. If something goes wrong in the meantime, the guilt I feel is the equivalent of the guilt that 40 sons who choose to not give grandchildren to their parents would feel from their mothers for 40 years.

That’s me. In a nutshell. With extra ‘nut’.

Comments on this entry are closed.

  • perpstu March 12, 2009, 4:00 pm

    (((HUGS))) You need to give yourself a break and just breathe…..I can’t stand having things out of my control, and I don’t like the unknown or undecided either, it makes me feel edgy and off kilter.

    (((HUGS))) again….I hope it gets better soon!


  • pecosa March 12, 2009, 4:00 pm

    Ok. Take a step back. I know you’re a people pleaser and that you’re worried that you’re being shut out, but you have to remember that people deal with their emotions in different ways. There are somethings people would just rather keep to and deal with themselves. And while you may feel helpless, you have to respect it.

    I’m a planner. And it usually backfired because I end up getting stood up or the plans change and my life does not allow for improv. It just doesn’t. So I question myself, the intentions of my friends and usually fall into a self-pitty mode that doens’t go away until my schedule is back in order.

    Relax. Breathe. Let shit roll off your shoulders. Whoever thinks they’re your supervisor needs to have a reality check. Figure out a civil way to go about that. Take control of the things that are within your reach and eveyrthing will fall into place.

  • Cassie March 12, 2009, 4:06 pm

    wow, girl

    I get the wanting to please everybody thing, but whew…..

    you cannot EVER please EVERYONE. they’ll get over it….or not, but it’s not on you!

    do your best and that’s all you can do! lol

  • Tinyshrimp March 12, 2009, 4:16 pm


    You will drive yourself nuts if you try to control every aspect of your life. I agree with Pecosa, Take control of things that you can and let the rest take care of itself.

    When you start to feel this way you need to talk to your friends. I know that I don’t mind you venting to me, and I’m pretty sure that the rest of your friends don’t mind either.

  • Jaime March 12, 2009, 4:22 pm

    I, too, am a planner. I like things laid out. I like knowing when things are going to happen. I’m not spontaneous. I get very discouraged and disheartened when people cancel or change plans on me last minute.

    It seems we are two.


  • WickedCourtni March 12, 2009, 4:30 pm

    And you wanna talk to me about breathing.

  • topsurf March 12, 2009, 9:44 pm

    I know exactly what you mean I am the exact same way. I need control and I need to be in control at all times. And when things fall apart and they do, I feel terrible. I guess some of us are just born that way. You do need to cut yourself a break though especially when it gets so overwhelming. Sending you lots of love and hugs.

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