I remember 3 years ago today. Exactly today. I was flying out of Dulles to go back home on Christmas day with my brother. I was at the end of my wits and having nervous breakdown after nervous breakdown. I couldn’t tell my parents what was wrong so I begged them to let me go back to Turkey for winter break. When I was on that plane, I had to wait until my brother fell asleep so I could cry. I had to cry out all the pain of the previous months and the biggest heartbreak I had ever felt…The pain was so much that I didn’t know how I was still alive. I thought I’d go numb but I didn’t. I couldn’t. I just felt the pain with every fiber of my being.
I ran away into the arms of people who had no idea what I was going through but were there for me unconditionally. New Year’s Eve 2005 leading into Jan 1 2006 was the first time I celebrated New Year’s in Turkey in 10 years. I came back to the US…with the hopes that I was stronger. And the pain would go away. I didn’t realize that it was only the beginning of the end. That February, my mother had back surgery, I flunk out of college and in June, I had the worst night of my life. Everything was on a downward spiral and I just kept falling into the void.
I’ve come a long way since those days but I’m still fighting to stay afloat. 3 years ago today, I ran away from heartache. I’m definitely different than that girl…but deep down, all I really want is to be loved.
I have no idea what 2009 will bring. I’m scared that it will be deja vu…making me relive the worst year of my life.