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3 Years Ago to Now…

I remember 3 years ago today. Exactly today. I was flying out of Dulles to go back home on Christmas day with my brother. I was at the end of my wits and having nervous breakdown after nervous breakdown. I couldn’t tell my parents what was wrong so I begged them to let me go back to Turkey for winter break. When I was on that plane, I had to wait until my brother fell asleep so I could cry. I had to cry out all the pain of the previous months and the biggest heartbreak I had ever felt…The pain was so much that I didn’t know how I was still alive. I thought I’d go numb but I didn’t. I couldn’t. I just felt the pain with every fiber of my being.

I ran away into the arms of people who had no idea what I was going through but were there for me unconditionally. New Year’s Eve 2005 leading into Jan 1 2006 was the first time I celebrated New Year’s in Turkey in 10 years. I came back to the US…with the hopes that I was stronger. And the pain would go away. I didn’t realize that it was only the beginning of the end. That February, my mother had back surgery, I flunk out of college and in June, I had the worst night of my life. Everything was on a downward spiral and I just kept falling into the void.

I’ve come a long way since those days but I’m still fighting to stay afloat. 3 years ago today, I ran away from heartache. I’m definitely different than that girl…but deep down, all I really want is to be loved.

I have no idea what 2009 will bring. I’m scared that it will be deja vu…making me relive the worst year of my life.

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  • Damaris December 25, 2008, 2:21 pm

    There are some things that are beyond our control… storms life brings our way… We wonder if we’ll ever make it to better times. But be encouraged… with every new day are new possibilities! You’ve come so far from when I first met you… Its literally like watching a flower bloom… and I feel your best days are still ahead of you, babygirl!

    Love you much!


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