I’m at my cousin’s house again this weekend. Whenever I need to get away, this is the only place though sometimes, I can’t find peace anywhere. The escape I need isn’t from just one person but from my family. More and more, it’s obvious that as much as I’m expected to be the one that is without fault, and the role model, I’ve also become the scapegoat…the black sheep. The one who has to deal with the double standard all the time. I can’t fly under the radar and settle for my life though I’m expected to. I’m expected to have all the manners, be considerate of everyone else’s needs but when I point out anyone else’s faults simply to help them improve, I become the one who’s full of herself and who the hell do I think I am? I consider everyone’s feelings with every step I take yet no one gives a fuck about what I might be thinking or feeling.
That gets tiring. My nerves are fried. Yesterday was the company holiday lunch, which was a blast. I called my mom at the beginning, told her it would probably last a few hours. I checked my phone about 90 minutes into the lunch and she hadn’t called. I let myself have fun. Once I got to the office, I saw that my mom had called 14 times. In one hour. She started crying when I called her…Once I hung up, I did something that I swore I wouldn’t do. I started crying in front of a couple of the girls I work with…I felt guilty for enjoying myself for a couple of hours. The entire emotional support of my mom is on my shoulders, leaving no room for my own needs…my own feelings, my own thoughts and pain. I can’t support an emotionally screwed up person anymore. I can’t be there every second she needs me…yet I have to be. I don’t know how to break the cycle. I’m not allowed to break down and be weak. Ever.
I’m in a new environment with new people, especially people in my age group. It’s been so long since I’ve met new people that it makes me feel awkward sometimes. Those who have known for a while know what I have to deal with so they understand my mood swings. I don’t know how to be around people that don’t know me day in and day out. I want to fit in…I want to be normal and I want to be able to interact with people…but in the back of my mind, there’s always that feeling of “OK, when will my mom call? When will she need me? What will be the next outburst be about?”…those thoughts and worries drag me down. They make me absent minded and make it hard to focus on functioning.
I don’t know what it’s like to wake up alone. I don’t know how to live my life according to my own schedule because that’s not an option for me. I don’t know how to be alone. I don’t know what peace feels like anymore. Leandra was telling me how I shouldn’t get an apt by myself and I should consider roommates because it gets lonely if you’re by yourself. Once I do move out, I do have to be myself. That is something that I have to do in order to find my balance.
Loneliness? There is nothing that can make me feel lonelier than I do in the presence of my family.
PS: Yes, that is me in those pix…from a photo shoot I did a couple of years ago.