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Saturday Ramblings

I’m at my cousin’s house again this weekend. Whenever I need to get away, this is the only place though sometimes, I can’t find peace anywhere. The escape I need isn’t from just one person but from my family. More and more, it’s obvious that as much as I’m expected to be the one that is without fault, and the role model, I’ve also become the scapegoat…the black sheep. The one who has to deal with the double standard all the time. I can’t fly under the radar and settle for my life though I’m expected to. I’m expected to have all the manners, be considerate of everyone else’s needs but when I point out anyone else’s faults simply to help them improve, I become the one who’s full of herself and who the hell do I think I am? I consider everyone’s feelings with every step I take yet no one gives a fuck about what I might be thinking or feeling.

Ever.

That gets tiring. My nerves are fried. Yesterday was the company holiday lunch, which was a blast. I called my mom at the beginning, told her it would probably last a few hours. I checked my phone about 90 minutes into the lunch and she hadn’t called. I let myself have fun. Once I got to the office, I saw that my mom had called 14 times. In one hour. She started crying when I called her…Once I hung up, I did something that I swore I wouldn’t do. I started crying in front of a couple of the girls I work with…I felt guilty for enjoying myself for a couple of hours. The entire emotional support of my mom is on my shoulders, leaving no room for my own needs…my own feelings, my own thoughts and pain. I can’t support an emotionally screwed up person anymore. I can’t be there every second she needs me…yet I have to be. I don’t know how to break the cycle. I’m not allowed to break down and be weak. Ever.

I’m in a new environment with new people, especially people in my age group. It’s been so long since I’ve met new people that it makes me feel awkward sometimes. Those who have known for a while know what I have to deal with so they understand my mood swings. I don’t know how to be around people that don’t know me day in and day out. I want to fit in…I want to be normal and I want to be able to interact with people…but in the back of my mind, there’s always that feeling of “OK, when will my mom call? When will she need me? What will be the next outburst be about?”…those thoughts and worries drag me down. They make me absent minded and make it hard to focus on functioning.

I don’t know what it’s like to wake up alone. I don’t know how to live my life according to my own schedule because that’s not an option for me. I don’t know how to be alone. I don’t know what peace feels like anymore. Leandra was telling me how I shouldn’t get an apt by myself and I should consider roommates because it gets lonely if you’re by yourself. Once I do move out, I do have to be myself. That is something that I have to do in order to find my balance.

Loneliness? There is nothing that can make me feel lonelier than I do in the presence of my family.


PS: Yes, that is me in those pix…from a photo shoot I did a couple of years ago.

Comments on this entry are closed.

  • Jaime December 13, 2008, 3:45 pm

    I love every photo from that shoot. You look so feminine, so proud, and so fragile. It makes me want to hold you.

    Actually, your whole situation makes me want to hold you. And I know what you mean about needing to live alone to find your balance. I feel the same exact way.

    If you ever need to talk, I’m a good listener!
    xoxo

    Jaime’s last blog post..I LOVE…Fridays – Week 2

  • Just Jen December 14, 2008, 12:47 am

    You have the strength within yourself, you just need to find it. My first suggestion would be to NOT answer mom’s calls at work. There is nothing you can do for her while you are working, it is causing emotional issues for you and ultimately will cause issues at the office for you. Tell your mom you can no longer take personal calls at work unless you are on a scheduled break – tell her to call your cell phone and leave you a message and you will call her back when you get a break. Then stick to it. You have to take back your power a little bit at a time and that is the best place to start. You can’t continue to be responsible for anyone but yourself sweetie. Mom survived years by herself before she started relying on you – she will survive now.

  • f.B December 14, 2008, 12:04 pm

    you break the cycle by letting yourself be weak sometimes. you just have to. your talks with your mom have to be free of resentment. and yet it sounds like you’re knuckles are white because of how strained your grip on your own serenity is. and if you lose that grip, and explode on her or something, that’s really dangerous. to be a real shoulder for her to cry on, you have to be able to listen without regard for you. but if it’s hurting you so badly that your focus is one that’s defensive and self-preservation-minded, it’s not really listening at all.

    take a deep breath, cry, take another breath, and then think about picking up that phone. but don’t look up and realize you’ve put yourself last so often that you don’t even know who you are anymore

    f.B’s last blog post..i won’t follow

  • mrwolf December 14, 2008, 6:29 pm

    Ouch! Sounds like you’re having a rough time. I don’t have a full picture to say anything that may assist you, however I agree with Jen in this, everybody is responsible for their own condition. You can be there for your mom but in the end it is her who decides what’ll happen in her life through her actions or inactions. PS- Nice pics. PS2-Hope you won’t hate me for voicing an opinion on such a personal matter.

  • mrwolf December 14, 2008, 8:34 pm

    Was fixing something on my blog and realized there is something that may help. Go to optimumrandomity.blogspot.com and read How to Like Someone. I think it’ll help.

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