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Big Brother At Work

**Disclaimer: None of the references to coworkers in this post are related to my current job. They may or may not be related to past jobs but any relation is purely for entertainment purposes. Enjoy.**

“Mr. Gates, when did you first realize you were creating a Monopoly?”
“Monopoly is just a game Senator. I’m trying to take over the world”

Robin Williams said this during his Live on Broadway show in 2001. Oh how right you were Mr. Williams.

Microsoft is now seeking patent for office “spy” software.

The system would allow managers to monitor employees’ performance by measuring their heart rate, body temperature, movement, facial expression and blood pressure.

*ring ring*

“Hello, Paranatural Operator, how may I direct your call?”
“This is Bill Gates for George Orwell”
“Hold please”
*”If you wanna get to heaven” by Tracy Byrd*
“Hello, this is George Orwell”
“GEORGE, buddy! This is Bill Gates. I just wanted to call you and thank you for writing 1984. Splendid book. It was my bible for taking over the world!”
“All you Americans are the same. Go ahead and take over the world. Just wait till you get to hell. You will never believe who’s in charge here.”
“Who?”
“Oh won’t you be my neighbor?”

*Your call has been disconnected. Please try again after midnight*

That’s right ladies & gentlemen. Big Brother is coming to town. No longer will you able to goof around at work. No longer can you get drunk at lunch. You won’t have to worry about ways to tell your boss that you might be overworked. He’ll already know!

The system could also “automatically detect frustration or stress in the user” and “offer and provide assistance accordingly”. Physical changes to an employee would be matched to an individual psychological profile based on a worker’s weight, age and health. If the system picked up an increase in heart rate or facial expressions suggestive of stress or frustration, it would tell management that he needed help.

No need to worry! Microsoft is here. Can you imagine? And you were worried about a simple little drug test. Go ahead and pass that drug test to get the job. Oh they’ll get you. There are tons of little college graduates that are dying for your job. Now, your boss doesn’t even need to pay attention to you. He will have a little monitoring program that will read your thoughts.

Ain’t technology wonderful?

Well, shit, I can’t have dirty thoughts during the day anymore because the monitoring technology could mess up the mental image and process it as a younger picture of my boss.

What about my frustrations with stupid people? Those thoughts could be processed as frustrations about my space here at work & my boss could think that I don’t like my new desk.

I guess I can’t think about how annoyed I get at work, or how much I wish I could get a raise & how I’d like to be having sex bent over a pool table. Whoops.

Microsoft, while you’re at it, can you work on a gadget that will allow me to turn off my brain while I’m at work?

Remember children, this is a MICROSOFT program we’re talking about. The OS that is a piece of shit and crashes so many times, it will make your head spin.

Microsoft is like the OS version of Myspace. Instead of fixing the problems that they have in their systems, they just make new toys that will distract & make us forget about the problems in the first place.

I’m looking forward to that day when the little paper clip pops up on my screen and says:

“It looks like you’re having a mental breakdown. Would you like to…
…Blow up your computer?
…Shoot your coworkers?
…Jump out of your 15 story window?”

George Orwell, you were a genius.

But ya know..this could be a good idea. My boss could tell when I’m PMSing and he can STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM MY BAD SIDE.

So tell me…if this program was installed at YOUR work…what would your boss find out about YOU during the day?

Comments on this entry are closed.

  • Squish December 3, 2008, 8:42 am

    My Parent Company would be all over that software. We’ve already got four other “watcher” programs installed so that they can pull up our screens at any moment and see what’s there/block new websites…

    We’re no longer people. We are tools in a money-making machine…and especially with the economy where it is, every little bit they can do to ensure that they are wringing every last drop of “Productivity” from us will be done.

    Not that I’m bitter about the corporate environment at all…

  • pecosa December 3, 2008, 9:34 am

    If my company went with that software, the network would explode. 2,000 overworked, underpayed and irrate employees would make sure of it.

    My boss would not find out anything he doesn’t already now:
    I get my work done in a productive timeframe and then goof off.
    My blood pressure goes up whenever my coworker talks.
    I try to beat my record of straight wins on freecell every day around 2.

  • Tinyshrimp December 3, 2008, 11:31 am

    They’d find out that I spend way too much time IMing you, plurking, and on PQNation.

    Ohhhhh AND what I do when I shut my door! *turning red*

  • cassie December 3, 2008, 12:10 pm

    heehehee

    My boss would see me picture him nekkid…that would be pretty effin awesome!! LOL

    not really, but wouldn’t it be funny?

    there’d be alot of frustration with the ‘big boss’ and my G-D printer, that is for sure!!!

  • Stone Bryson December 3, 2008, 12:40 pm

    If that software is introduced at my job I would resign. Period. Some things are just not worth selling out for, and if that means taking a lesser-paying job that has not such software in place… so be it.

    This is intolerable.

    Stone Bryson’s last blog post..Is He The President-Elect?

  • LivingWicked December 3, 2008, 12:51 pm

    that I DONT work. LMFAO!!!

    LivingWicked’s last blog post..Showered in Thought

  • topsurf December 3, 2008, 2:11 pm

    If my boss installed this, I would quit. I need my personal space. HEY…HEY…I need my gtalk and plurk and amazon.com and ebay, fb, and youtube to keep me sane when I’m *cough* *cough* working!

  • perpstu December 3, 2008, 3:01 pm

    I’m with Topsurf and since she’s my long distance assistant she knows exactly what I’m doing at all times! LOL

    BTW, I do have an office. With a door. I like to keep it closed….just sayin’

  • Just Jen December 3, 2008, 4:26 pm

    Most companies already have something similar – at least in big corporations. Obviously they don’t read biorhythms, etc. but any large corporation is constantly monitoring and back door hacking into employee computers to see what is going on.

    Hell, curiosity killed the cat and if they want to see first hand what a tool I think they are – well…really they should just ask cause I’d tell them to their face 😉

  • MnM December 3, 2008, 9:14 pm

    Oh Nooeessss! Not Mr. Rogers!!!!

    I work for myself basically, so I won’t ever install software that I could incriminate myself with.

    I feel it would be counter-productive.

  • Beanz December 4, 2008, 9:06 am

    Wait wouldn’t monitoring performance by measuring heart rate, body temperature, movement, facial expression and blood pressure just make more people play those annoyingly hard Flash Games at work….or watch porn….or play an annoyingly hard flash game that has porn?

  • kate December 4, 2008, 8:31 pm

    I work at home for myself, so I’d be monitoring and sexually harassing myself during “nap time”. Eh, I’m too lazy to monitor myself, I’ll just skip straight to the sexual harassment lol

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