“You have the weirdest job”
Tell me about it! No, wait…let me tell you about it. I work at an M&M factory. You know, the candy. The almost too perfectly irregular candy. You know they’re made in factories right? Did you know that people actually work at those factories?
Crazy, I know.
I don’t even know how I got this job. I love candy. I love being random so this job fit. I mean, I’m fresh out of high school and want a not-so-demanding job. So, I’m an intern. I detect deformities. So I basically weed out the retarded M&Ms. The rejects. The ones that would have to wear a helmet and ride the short-bus if they went to school.
My kind of crowd.
You would think that being the deformity monitor, I’d have a pretty boring job. Those few hours should drag but honestly, they don’t. First of all, the people I work with are the coolest motherfuckers alive. Well,as cool as one can get when working at the deformity department of an M&M’sfactory. Our boss is the driver of the short bus, naturally. We hardly ever see him around but sometimes John and I like to throw M&Ms at him as he’s walking by. On his “cool” days, he tries to catch them with his mouth. Those are the days I wish I had a video camera.
John is the highlight of my day. I would like to fuck his brains out but let’s just call that hormones and move on. He and I share the same sort of humor, which is an absolute must when you work like we do. We are two sick fucks. We compete to see which one of us can find the most fucked up shaped M&M’s. Oh yeah. Not all M&M’s come out as perfect as you get in your bag after you get it home from the grocery store. You would not believe the amount of rejects we throw out. Heh. Rejects.
Back to the retards. I mean rejects. The most fun is when they do the special ones during Easter, Loser’s Day (AKA Valentine’s Day),Christmas, etc. John and I try to guess how fucked up they can get with the colors. Then we gross each other out but I think the best is the irregular shapes. I’m talking horse shoe shaped M&M’s that I’ve tried to land on John’s pinkie. Phallic shaped ones that John has tried to stick up my nose. Alright, so he succeeded a few times. I should’ve made him eat those but I’m too nice. The best one was a peanut M&M that was deformed. I picked it up and without even thinking, I had blurted out
“This looks like a butt plug” John’s head shot up.
“What did you say?” he asked, stifling a giggle.
“It looks like a butt plug” I repeated as I held it in front of him.
“Well duh but this still looks like a butt plug”
“How would YOU know” he asked, raising an eyebrow this time.
“I don’t…I mean, I’ve seen pictures” I turned a little red. He knew I was a virgin. Not the I only have butt-sex type of virgin but a legit virgin. Yes, we are the few and the proud.
“What are you doing looking at butt plug pictures?” Who walks by as he says this? Our boss. He stopped. Looked at John and I, with my butt-plug in my hand. I was terrified.My heart was beating fast and I couldn’t even put my hand down, let alone speak. He looked at John. John looked at me. We both looked back at our boss.Seconds seemed like hours and he finally spoke.
“If that’s a butt plug, then it must belong to a real tightass”
“So boss, then it must be yours” and I put it in his palm. John looked like he’d just seen a ghost. Our boss looked at me. He looked at John. He popped the butt plug in his mouth and walked away.
That, my friends, is just a Tuesday morning at my job.
This was a writing prompt that was given to me by a friend a while ago and it’s one of my favorites. The assignment was to write about my job as if I am an intern at an M&M Factory. Random? Yes but it was actually fun. Hope you guys enjoyed!!
If you had a weird job, what would it be? I’m making you guys get stupid creative today!