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Enough for a Lifetime

When did my life get so fluid to the point where I’m reminiscing about 3 years ago and watching my past pass me by as the people in my life either get engaged or married? It’s amazing to me that I’m watching my brother grow up as my cousin’s nearing the end of high school and here I am at 23, wondering when life got so complicated. When did I have a substantial past that I need to let go filled with memories of days gone by and the “what ifs” of potential futures that slipped away one by one?

My life has never been simple or gradual but the fact that the past is now coming back to haunt me in the form of wedding dresses and engagement rings with a funeral on the side, it makes me almost afraid to move forward because I’m afraid of leaving life behind. A person’s life is only as good as the moments in them but maybe I’ve had enough “moments” to last me a lifetime. It reminds me of something a very fucked up in the head ex-boyfriend told me when I was 17.

“I will have lived my life, doing everything I wanted to by the time I’m 25. What’s the point of moving forward after that?”

Granted, he was trying to scare me into getting back together with him using the “I don’t have much to live” line without a terminal illness present, if you don’t count a demented personality.

Still though, I’m not afraid to live but at the same time, it’s overwhelming to let go of the good memories as time moves forward. As intense as my life is, because that’s the only way I know how to live it, I wonder what memories I’ll be thinking of four years from now when I get an email from a friend about so-and-so or I run into that person from my past who hasn’t crossed my mind in years yet there they stand in front of me, bringing the overwhelming emotions of the past with them.

Thinking back to the last 3…almost 4 years of my life, I think it’s safe to say that I have to lock the past away. With every mistake, every tear, every moment of fear that I overcame…I’ve learned all the lessons I need to learn and all the past is doing to me now is bringing back insecurities and doubts that shouldn’t be here to taint my relationships with the solid people in my life who have, over and over, proven their loyalty and love to me.

I cherish every moment with every person in my life so why do I have to have a past? Why can’t I just hold time still and live in this moment?

Comments on this entry are closed.

  • Jaime November 26, 2008, 10:43 am

    Life doesn’t get left behind. It happens to you even when you’re not paying attention. It’s in everything you do. Don’t try so hard to hold on to memories. Our brains have a way of keeping the things we need to remember in a safe place. ‘The past’ is something we learn from, something we experience that will always be a part of us as human beings. Just because you don’t know what’s coming up around the corner or what else life has to offer you doesn’t mean all the important things are behind you. Always remember that there’s always something better. You don’t have to let go of the past to have a future, you just have to make room for more.

    xoxo

    Jaime’s last blog post..I should be sleeping.

  • Just Jen November 26, 2008, 1:25 pm

    Leave the past where it belongs…in the past. Hold on to the good memories and the good times and let the rest go.

    Life is what happens while you are worried about not missing it. Don’t get so wrapped up in trying not to miss things that you miss everything.

    As for the wedding stuff – I get it -TRUST ME. At 36 I have watched ALL of my childhood, teenage and adult RL friends get married. I’m like an island in the middle of an ocean of married people – all of which are so wrapped up in their “married selves” that they forget to live THEIR lives individually.

    You are remarkable, beautiful, talented and more than most men deserve. You’ve come a long way in your 23 years and should be very proud of yourself for everything you have accomplished. Don’t forget that.

    Love you

  • Squish November 26, 2008, 1:32 pm

    LIfe is about becoming. Growing, changing, PERFECTING. Life is a song, which each moment a note in an infinitely complicated melody, and the beauty is in the transitions. Staying too long in any one moment causes it to be like any other note that is held too long – just a monotonous noise… I like to think of the past as the dark and deep first verse that has transitioned into a happier second verse with a chorus full of sunshine. The first verse occasionally make a brief apparence, but it’s like a remix and it is now mixed in, surrounded on all sides by the sunshiney chorus and is thus a completely different event…

  • Cassie November 26, 2008, 1:41 pm

    I think you over think things……just live life and have fun and do your damnedest not to hurt anyone!! LOL

    The rest will take care of itself……past and present and future!!!

  • Wovoka November 26, 2008, 4:03 pm

    We have a past for a reason. To some, the reason is to allow them to revisit the memories. To others, it’s for the lessons they’ve learned. For me, it’s both. I won’t say I’ve had the best life, but I sure as hell haven’t had the worst. Sure, there are a few circumstances and incidents I’ve had in my 38 years that I’d like to forget, but I know I’m better off not doing so. It’s those memories that keep me humble and help me keep my mind right. Don’t compare now to then, because it’s not fair to you. When I was younger (in my late teens, early 20’s), I always told myself, “If I make it to 30, I’ll be happy.” It’s not because I had a death wish, or was a pessimist, it’s because I’d seen what can happen and I’d lost more than a few friends at young ages. Life happens, and we have to be ready for the ride. I’ve met some of my closest friends in the past five years, and I’ve had some of my best times in that same period. Of course there are the few bad times I’d been through, but I look at it as balance.

    Try not to be too analytical, and see how much easier, how much smoother things go.

    And if that doesn’t work, just remember that someone out here loves you. 🙂 xoxo

  • Devyl November 26, 2008, 4:31 pm

    One of my favorite “gtalk” status messages is, “Life is.”

    Because life is what YOU make it … you can be headed towards a different path than everyone in your life and still be happy and satisfied and looking forward to each new day. It is all about what YOU want, need, and deserve from YOUR life. Nobody else can live it for you, and nobody else should dare try.

    So, be happy for those who have chosen marriage and kids … and be happy for yourself to be doing what YOU want to do … I guarantee you that all of them are just a teensy bit jealous of you and your inner strength.

    xo

    Devyl’s last blog post..Refusing to Sink

  • Kate November 26, 2008, 6:10 pm

    I don’t harp on the past because it does nothing but make me loose momentum. Sure it’s nice to reminisce but I don’t bother with past mistakes or what people might be saying about me, blah blah blah….I have goals and I’m busting my ass to make sure I reach them while raising my kid at the same time. It’s a lot of work but there’s a lot of good stuff about my life, too.

    Besides, I was a wreck emotionally in high school. I’m really thankful they weren’t the best years of my life lol

    Kate’s last blog post..Philadelphia Music: Robots and Racecars, Striving for Better

  • LivingWicked November 26, 2008, 7:30 pm

    I wonder this about you all of the time.

    You will get there. I have been where you are and one day I just realized that I was wasting time in that pattern.

    LivingWicked’s last blog post..You are what you eat

  • mrwolf November 26, 2008, 8:54 pm

    Life is a big trial and error experiment which results may be evident inmediately or years later. Live life and use those experiences to make your life a bit better each time. Part of one of my favorite quotes goes something like this: by ignoring the loses and making the wins firm, a being at lenght discovers his power and command of life. Check it out, it’s worked for me for some 10yrs (now I’m starting to feel old).

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