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One Big Soap Opera

“You should be a soap star. Those fuckers never die!”

These words came out of my mom’s mouth as I was pointing out to her that the character who played “John” on the Young and the Restless was now playing “Alistair”, a barista in the cafe…so “John” must’ve died.

“He must have a helluva contract.”

Uh yeah. The guy’s been on the show for 30 years! Don’t ask me how I know! Either way, my mom has a point. Maybe I should be a soap star. They never die! Unless they’re Dr. Drake Ramoray but that doesn’t count because he was a fictional character PLAYED by a fictional character who also played the lead in Mac & C.H.E.E.S.E. but we still love him. “How YOU doin?”

Being that I think about stupid things all the time, I got to thinking about whether or not I really want to be a soap opera star. First, I began thinking about whether or not I want to be a daytime star or be on a primetime show. With the ratings the way they are, it’s risky to be on a primetime show, unless it’s something HUGE like House…and I think I’d faint if I was in the same room as Hugh Laurie. So it’d be a safe bet to be on a soap opera like Young and Restless that never ends and no matter when you turn it on (Be it 5 days or 5 years later), the story always seems to be in the same place. There’s never a shortage of desperate housewives and people in nursing homes who watch those shows religiously so there’d always be an audience.

So soap opera it is.

Then I got to thinking about what kind of character I’d play. I mean, there are a handful of key women characters in EVERY show.

There’s The Bitch That Never Dies (TBTND) who is exactly that. She might die in an awful explosion yet 35 episodes later, she’s BACK to get her husband and family back out of the claws of the bitch that moved in. TBTND will come back at the last 45 seconds of an episode on a Friday before a holiday weekend as the Backstabbing Manipulative Slut (BMS) is walking down the aisle to marry TBTND’s dumbass husband who believed that his wife actually died! Does he not read ahead on his script? I am pretty bad-ass so I’d love to come back from the dead. Also, as the original Quellite and the love child of Wesley Snipes and Shirley McClaine, this role would probably the one that makes the most sense. Because Quellites are daywalkers that never die.

Then of course there’s naturally the BMS who will try to sleep with every man in the main family, which usually consists of the Dad and the two brothers who look nothing alike and are complete opposites yet they’re best friends. I think this would be a perfect role for me since it has been confirmed by a man that I am 100% manipulative. I might as well be the manipulative slut that gets around and gets the second to largest share of the company that owns half the town in the show.

Of course, if what I want is a share in the company, I could always appear as the Bastard Daughter Daddy Forgot (BDDF). As the BDDF, I could appear fresh out of high school, coming out of the elevator in the middle of a large board meeting as they are making a CRUCIAL decision and say “Not so fast! I have a say in this too” and as they call security and ask me who I am, I’d say (with dramatic music of course) “I’m your DAUGHTER. You know, the one that was born out of wedlock when you had an affair with my mom 21 years ago. She recently died of a brain tumor and with her last breath, she told me YOU were my daddy. So give me my share of the company and back off Daddy-O.”

Or I could just be the boring sweetheart of the show. *thinks*


So, which character would you play if you were on a soap opera? Did I miss a main character that I could play as well?

Guys…YOU CAN PLAY TOO! I know you secretly love the drama.

Comments on this entry are closed.

  • pecosa October 30, 2008, 10:01 am

    omg…I would totally be the BMS. To be hated by all…such a good feeling!

    I’m reading this and I’m going through the soaps I used to watch and I keep thinking ot myself how unbelievably similar all of them are.

  • Cassie October 30, 2008, 10:02 am

    I’d play the girl who offs herself out of shear boredom in a daytime soap. If I HAD to pick a character…….Mary from the new show “In Plain Sight” on USA, cause she is pretty bad ass AND has a super hot boyfriend!!!

  • Jaime October 30, 2008, 3:19 pm

    I’d totally be the boring sweetheart. The one that wouldn’t know drama if it shot her in the butt.

  • yvonne October 31, 2008, 1:05 am

    I’d go with prime time. Probably Olivia on Law and order or Abby on NCIS. I like the way Abby dresses.

    Any show where a woman is an FBI agent will do. It’s all in the guns they use.

    This was very entertaining.

    Reminds me when, my mom was pregnant with me. “All My Children” first began. That damn show is still on today. Every one comes back as a dead twin. Only on Soaps. LOL!!!

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